A Confession

I have seriously neglected my blog. My apologies to those of you who enjoy reading it and have missed my posts.

A quick update: We're still farming and it's a lot of work but it's a great lifestyle. My business of sewing ring slings and various other baby related goods is taking off and I love having a creative outlet. Caleb is the most amazing 3 year old I could ever ask for and constantly keeps us entertained with his interesting use/timing of the question "why." Isaac is nearly 9 months old and makes the funniest yucky faces when I try to feed him anything other than breastmilk. He will sometimes feed himself a piece or two of puffed wheat but he's made it very clear that he's not ready for solids yet. He is ridiculously funny with the noises he makes and the reactions he has to certain situations.

Here is my confession:
For some reason this is very tough for me to say. I understand that I'm not to blame or anything but I still feel like I should be able to handle it:

Isaac is a high needs baby.

I used to think that Caleb maybe showed signs of being high need but read that if you're unsure as to whether your baby is "high need" or not, he probably isn't. With Isaac I am sure. I've been in denial for a long time about it (which really has not helped at all) but I'm (sort of) ready to admit it now. If you want more information on what exactly a high need baby is, Dr. Sears has a great article entitled: 12 Features of a High Need Baby
After I had Caleb I tried to stop judging other mothers by the behaviour of their children. I won't say that I never judged but I always tried to remind myself that I didn't know the mother or her situation or the baby's personality. I hope that other mothers I meet will now will extend me the same courtesy.

When you see me bouncing my baby in the sling during the church service, it's because nearly constant motion is one of his needs.
When you wonder why he has never had a bottle, it is because exclusively breastfeeding is one of his needs.
If you wonder why I pick him up the instant he even shows the slightest signs of fussing while playing on his own, it is because his slight fussing quickly escalates into full out screaming unless I meet his need.
If you are disappointed if I take him out of your arms when he starts making a certain noise, I'm sorry you didn't get to hold my cutie-pie as long as you would have liked, but I want to avoid the potential meltdown that he is setting himself up for.
If you are waiting for an invitation to visit or have a play date, I have not forgotten about you. Most days I'm so distracted by the things I actually remember and am able to find time to do that I think about calling you late a night or right when I'm about to start cooking supper. My house does not have a lot of phone call friendly moments. Plus there is the fact that I would rather stay home most days because it's much simpler for Isaac to get the combination of rest and stimulation he needs.
If I look like I haven't showered for a week, I probably haven't. It's not because I don't care about my appearance, It's most likely that I have forgotton. I think that most moms with little ones underfoot can relate to that. I also have the added bonus of knowing that most evenings Isaac is at his wits end so I know he will need me the whole time I'm in the shower so I choose the keep him content because I can always shower another time.

I tell you all of this because I want to make people aware of what my life (and that of any parent with a high need baby) is like. It's hard. I won't beat around the bush with saying it's not. Isaac is nearly 9 months old and we're still getting to know him. Just when I feel like we are starting to get things figured out, he changes. It helps a lot with accepting him for who he is by realizing that it's just his personality. It's not because I "spoil" him by carrying him to much or nursing on cue. I'm not overreacting when I respond to the first sign of him fussing.

Let me tell you some amazing things about my littlest one. Partially for you to see that I truly do love him like no other and partially for my own bebefit as we've added teething and a cold to our dealings with him.

I know that all moms think their kids are the cutest ever but Isaac is stinkin' adorable. He's got the perfect haistyle. Looks like a little buzz cut and it has the slightest tinge of red in it. His eyes really betray his emotions. Super bright when he's studying something and quick to tears when he's upset. When he laughs you know that it's coming from the deepest part of who he is and it ripples through his whole little body. He has the greatest thunder thighs and ghetto booty ever. If you've seen it you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has the softest, most perfect, pudgy baby feet and he knows how to use them. I'm not talking walking (though he's quickly learning that skill) but I'm talking about grabbing. He was probably about 3 months old when he learned that his toes can grab things.
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I wrote this post about 2 months ago and never got around to finishing it. I decided to post this "as is" and finish up telling you how incredible Isaac is in my next post. For now, to those parents of HN babies: time is a wonderful thing!

Hormones and "Losing it"

So last night I woke up thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, my hormones are getting back to normal. I went through my life and this was about the train of my thoughts: I'm not on antidepressants anymore, that's good.
I'm not on birth control (and don't ever want to go back on the pill!).
I'm not lactating any more (though we're still nursing)...
Yup, I think my hormones are finally getting a chance to get straightened out!
*ponder*
*ponder*
CRAP! I'm pregnant! So much for that theory!!!

It's kind of silly that I was up at 3:30am to go pee (because I'm pregnant and all midnight trips to the bathroom have become routine) and I'm laying there nearly halfway through my pregnancy thinking that I'm finally able to get my hormones back into shape. Isn't being a woman lovely? Especially a woman of childbearing age! I had to have a giggle to myself about my lack of mental capabilities.

So speaking of hormones, mine are still totally out of wack. Not as bad as they were in the first trimester (i.e. I'm not nauseous all morning anymore) but they are still playing a wonderfully annoying role in my life. For example, Caleb is (I don't want to say it for fear of jinxing it!) mostly potty trained. For a long time we just did a bare bum around the house (I have mostly lino so accidents were easy to clean up) so he got used to a certain way of sitting on the potty. Now that he's graduated to underwear and pants/shorts potty time requires a few very distinct steps. The first being my requirement: tuck and hold your knees together. The second is Caleb's: pants and underwear compeltely off. Now this isn't normally a big deal because they usually just fall off when his little legs are dangling off the potty. A few weeks ago though he was wearing sweatpants with the elastic around the ankles. This means his pants did NOT fall off. Apparently this was te biggest deal in the world (at least to him). I, on the other hand, thought he should just suck it up. He kicked and screamed and I finally tore his pants off, threw them at the wall and said (not so kindly and quite loudly), "There, are you happy now?" and walked out of the room....
So apparently my hormones are still playing a role in my parenting! The worst part was that this blow out could have totally been prevented! It was Caleb's naptime (the plan was to pee and nap) so that moved him into the red zone. Since it was Caleb's naptime, that means it was also probably time for me to have a nap as well (red zone for me). Then add in the fact that I knew he wouldn't like having his pants on and I left them on anyway (strike against me) and the fact that sometimes my hormones just get the better of me (another strike against me). So if you count it up, that's one strike agains Caleb, three against me. As mad as I was at him, it wasn't really his fault. He's two for pete's sake. I'm the adult and should have stayed calm. But I didn't. So he peeed (is that how you spell it?) and then I had to apologize to him and show him I loved him. We sat on the couch and he had some milkies and we both had a nice nap. Although I would like to point out that he did mention to me that I shouldn't throw things.

Would you like another example? He was playing with a piece of our windowsill and I told him not too. He pulled his arm back, I told him throwing is not allowed. He threw it anyway. It wacked me right in the nose. I thought for a bit that he broke my nose because all of the sudden I couldn't see straight. Partially due to the blinding pain and partially due to the anger. I yelled at him not to throw things (I try to control my voice level but it's hard sometimes) and picked him up and gently set him in the corner of the couch.... okay, maybe not so gently. And I'm really grateful that he missed getting wacked into the bookshelf as I had him in my arms and turned toward the couch (I didn't see it, I was partially blind remember?). So he's sitting in the couch and I wanted to walk away. I figured though if he could see my emotions (the one of pain) that he might understand that he hurt mommy. So I chose to sit on the (far) opposite end of the couch. I REALLY didn't want to be near him at that point.
I discovered my nose wasn't broken, just bleeding and VERY bruised. Through his own tears he saw mommy crying and saw me bleeding and, after about 5-10 minutes, came over to apologize and give me a hug. I wasn't ready for his hug (still angry) but what could I do when my little toddler comes over saying "tyorry mommy, owie mommy, no throw, tyorry" with his arms open wide? So him and I had a good chat about throwing things. I also had to tell him he couldn't kiss mommy better because it was owie to touch. And the mark on my nose was handy because he would look at it for the next several days and remember what throwing does.
While this was going on, my potatoes boiled over and my meat burned. But Caleb and I were able to have a good heart to heart. Food is replacable, life lessons are not. As much as I wanted to walk away from him because I was so angry, I'm glad that I didn't. Sometimes it's good to show your children emotions (though like I said I'm still working on the raising my voice thing) so that they can learn mommy and daddy have feelings too.
The first incident was totally my hormones. I was thinking the whole time that this is ridiculous and why am I flipping out? The second incident came to be because I was cooking supper and Caleb was hungry and needed my attention. Who knew you could get so angry at and exasperated with such an adorable little being? It's amazing what will happen when both you and your child are both in the "red zone." So why am I telling you all this? First of all, this blog entry made a lot more sense when I wrote it in my head at 3:30am (it had a much better conclusion, but I can't remember it). Second, because sometimes it's good for parents to know that we're not the only ones that get angry and "lose it." There's a line by Julie Andrews in Princess Diaries 2. She plays Queen Clarice and is talking to her granddaughter (Anne Hatheway - Princess Mia) who has a tedancy to get into questionable situations. The line goes like this "As royalty we are held to higher standards. People look up to us. We can't afford to 'lose it.' Other people 'lose it,' we're supposed to find it."
I love that line! (And yes, I have nearly all that movie memorized.) It can apply to parenting too. Our little people look up to us. We need to show them how to deal properly with our emotions so that they can learn to deal with theres. Does this mean we're always going to get it right? Apsolutely not. Does that make you a bad parent? Absolutely not. Good parents fly off the handle sometimes. But a good parent understands that sometimes circumstances led up to a point and we can't blame the children for that (usually involves being tired, hungry, bored/lonely). Other times we can realize that we messed up and in that case, we MUST apologize to our children. It's only fair to treat them with the respect they deserve. Especially if you want them to treat you with the respect you deserve.
So take the time to sit and read a book with them. Or drive the train around the train track 100 times. And make sure that they get the (healthy) food and sleep they need. It will save you a lot of problems. And if you're in the wrong, own up to it. It makes it a lot easier for them to do so as they get older.

Being a Wife too

I'm going to start off with being perfectly honost with you. I'm not so great at this one!

I love my husband, he's amazing and I know with 100% certainty that he is the man that God put on this earth for me to spend the rest of my life with. I can honostly say that in over 5 years of marriage and almost 8 years of being together, I have never wished he didn't come into my life. I'm not going to brag about him right now (though I'm sure I could write a whole post about all the ways that he is wonderful) because I want this post to be about how to be a wife.

I watched my wedding video (it was missing until just recently) for the first time since shortly after we returned from our honey moon. It was amazing to watch Adam and I standing up at the front of the church saying our vows. It was even more incredible to hear those vows and know that I would say them again in a heartbeat.

All that being said, I sometimes forget that I am a wife as well as a mother. Anyone who has, or who has had, a toddler knows that they can be quite time consuming. With some of the parenting decisions Adam and I have made for Caleb it can become even moreso. I breastfeed, share sleep, wore him in a moby wrap (he's kind of big now), respond to his cries, and believe babies need their mamas (I rarely go out without him). Adam is in complete agreement with this style of parenting but it means that I have little time for anything else.

Obviously with a very young baby the father will need make sacrifices to make sure that the baby's needs are being met through his wife's time and energy. Newborns are pretty high maintenance and have needs that can (mostly) be filled by the mother alone. There's no getting around that. Toddlers, on the other hand, have the same needs but it is much easier for them to be met by someone other than the mother. This can be a tough transition, not because we (as mothers) want to maintain that dependence (though this sometimes can be the case) but purely out of habit.

For example:
Caleb falls down and hurts himself - I instinctively run over to scoop him up. It can be very difficult to allow Adam to comfort him while I stand in the other room. This has nothing to do with my trust in how Adam handles the situation because he does exactly what I would do (most of the time). I am just so used to being the primary one to fill that need. Logically I know that Caleb is just fine, biologically I am wired to respond to my child.

Being a mother is a 24/7 responsibility. I am pretty sure that I'm not the only mother who forgets about everything around her and just gets absorbed in that mothering role. Let's face it, our kids are adorable, they can make us laugh, they make us feel needed, and there is nothing better to a mother than to see her child(ren) happy and having fun.

So how do we "reclaim" the wife role? How do we remember how to fulfill that role as well? One thing that Adam and I are planning to do is go out a local coffee shop once a week for a couple of hours. We read devotions together every night (Caleb has learned that this is his quiet time). We play games together when Caleb is napping. I don't believe that you absolutly MUST have an official "date night" every week during which you leave your child(ren) with a babysitter. I do think it is wise to spend time focused on your husband. Whether this be getting up half an hour before the children are awake to share a morning chat, or taking young children (the ones that you're not ready to leave yet) with you when you go out to dinner or for a walk or whatever you and your husband enjoy doing together. (Going for a walk is great because you can strap young children into a stroller and the older ones can go play in a park or something.)

It's about staying connected. Phone calls, texting, eating meals together etc. are all ways to stay connected to your spouse. Once you start doing things together (even with the children), it becomes a lot easier to remember that you enjoy spending one on one time with your spouse. Find a hobby you both enjoy, or a project you can work on together. Key things to do with your husband are to pray together everyday and read the Bible (even if it's just a few verses). Once you grow closer to God together, He makes the rest fall into place.

Mary Through the Eyes of aToddler

I have been having "one of those days" for the last two days. For some reason I woke up on Tuesday morning with my patience stretched very thin and it got worse as the day went on. To be honest, I have no idea why I was so stressed out. Sure I've got a Christmas to-do list, but nothing extraordinary. I guess you could just say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Any mom will understand when I say that this attitude is contagious. Caleb felt that I was "cranky" and therefore was not his usual easy-going self. He started out just a touch more needy than usual which aggravated me even more which, of course, he picked up on and got more frustrated himself. It's a vicious cycle. One that I should have nipped in the bud. But I didn't. And despite Caleb's adorable attempts to cheer me up (by petting my head, kisses and hugs, and caressing my face) this nasty tension just wouldn't let up.

As Tuesday progressed, I got more and more tense and stressed over pretty much nothing. Anything was setting me off. Caleb wanted to feel more at ease and to do this he wanted to nurse more often. I just wanted him to leave me alone for a while. I also desperately wanted him to nap to give me some time to relax and gather my emotions. Why is it that when we need our children to nap they seem to get an extra burst of energy? Anyway, by the time Adam came in from milking I was nearly in tears (yet unable to cry for some reason). I made dinner while he showered and then Caleb nearly fell asleep in his booster seat so I nursed him (for like the umpteenth time that day) and he FINALLY fell asleep. This was great timing because Adam and I wanted to play our computer game.

Caleb woke up and I turned off my computer and asked Adam to do the same. He didn't which wouldn't have bothered me as much if I hadn't just had "one of those days." But it bothered me, I threw a fit and went to bed angry (despite Adam's apology). So this morning... another bad start. So poor Caleb and Adam had to deal with another day of Mama being on edge.

But miracle of miracles!!!!
Caleb napped today!!!
Only for an hour but he was very chipper when he woke up so I didn't try to put him back to sleep. During the time of his nap, instead of catching up on my to-do list, I was on the Internet. I read several blogs regularly and made the decision today to buy a couple books that one of the bloggers has authored. And her blog today was about shifting your attitude, something that would have helped a lot with my tension the last couple days! But better late than never right? Since he woke up, Caleb and I have colored (I'm not sure who enjoyed that more, me or him), done several puzzles, and read several books. It's been a much better afternoon than yesterday, for both of us.

So now I'm rambling off topic a bit. Back to the adorable topic at hand. I decided to "act out" the Christmas story with my little ceramic nativity scene for Caleb. He normally doesn't get to touch it so it was quite a treat for him to help me march them across the bench on their way to Bethlehem. He got very excited when the wise men came because they had shiny "hats" on their heads. He also really enjoyed the animals. My favorite part of the story was as the end. The book that I used as a guide talks about after the visitors left (not an easy tasks to take the shiny hat men away from Caleb), Mary held baby Jesus close and agreed with the angel that Jesus was a very special baby. There is a picture of this in the book. Caleb decided to imitate that picture with the ceramics. Baby Jesus was placed, manger and all, into Mary's lap.

I kept saying "that's baby Jesus" because I really enjoy seeing Caleb sign "baby" (it's one of his newer signs). He made Mary and Joseph "hug" and Joseph danced/wrestled with baby Jesus. It was neat to see Caleb's interpretation of how they must have interacted as a family. Pretty much the same way that Adam and Caleb and I do.

After playing with Mary and Joseph and Jesus, Caleb got it in his head that Jesus needed some milkies. Some of you who have ready early entries of my blog know where I'm going with this. I explained that Mary was Jesus' mama. So there went baby Jesus again, manger and all, to Mary's breast while Caleb made little "num num num" noises for Him. I have to say that was one of the sweetest sights ever!

Now I'll leave you with the same thought that I've had for the last few days. Breastfeeding is such an amazing and intimate time between a mother and her child. What must it have been like for Mary to nurse the Son of God?

Babies and Housework

I have contemplated writing on this topic for quite some time. I actually dreamt about this post last night and what I should write in it! A big part of me hesitated because it's definitely not something that I have down to a "t." But it occurred to me that's probably the point. You don't have to do it all perfectly.
As of the time of my writing this I have dishes in my sink, laundry in my washer and dryer, toys all over the floor and I think that all the floors in my house needs to be either swept/mopped or vacuumed. I'm ignoring that part of my housework right now. I focus instead on the fact that I folded and put away 3 loads of laundry yesterday, I cleaned all my baking pans yesterday, I have a cake in the oven (for my mom's birthday today) and my family is fed and happy (Adam cooked breakfast).
Probably later today, when Caleb is napping, I will spend some time finishing up my laundry (diapers are in the washer so I kind of need those). If he's still napping I might even get up the gumption to clean my kitchen.

I had the HARDEST time getting into a routine when Caleb was first born. Part of it was that I just physically did not have the engery (I was recovering from a c-section and suffered a lot of fatigue) so I spent most of my days napping. I tried very hard not to allow myself to feel guilty about it. I think that it was about 6 months when I noticed that I didn't need to nap every single time Caleb napped. But I also didn't want to spend that precious alone time cleaning house. I found that when I cleaned during his nap, I would resent when he woke up. So I made a deal with myself: I would take 10 minutes to "power clean" and then I gave myself permission to sit down to take some "me time." As he got older and his naps were a little more consistent (and longer) I began to expand that time to 15 min and then 30 min, but I always kept at least half of his nap time for personal time.

Now that Caleb is down to one nap per day I find myself adjusting my housework again. Certain things I can do when he is awake (such as washing dishes with a ltitle helper or vacuuming because he loves the noise) so I spend some time in the morning doing that. Most kids are happiest in the morning after they've eaten breakfast and had a good sleep. Caleb will usually play on his own or help me with whatever I'm doing. When he goes down to nap is the best time to do laundry for me because that way I don't have to fold everything two or three times. But a lot of times when he is napping I've already accomplished a couple of things in the morning. That means I get to take that quiet time to read or cruise the internet or play computer games etc. When he wakes up in the middle of his nap (he's been doing that a lot lately) I can take the time to lay down wih him for half an hour and be able to focus on him instead of everything that I should or could be doing in that time instead.

Whenever I choose to spend time with Caleb over housework I have an inner dialogue with myself. I ask some questions: What do I feel like I should be doing right now? (washing dishes) What will happen if I don't do it? (I'll have to do them later) What does Caleb need from me right now? (love and hugs) What will happen if I don't do that? (he will cry and be cranky) Which is better to do in the longrun? Caleb nearly always wins out.

Like I said, I'm not the perfect housewife. I cook dinner AFTER my husband is in from work (for a couple reasons - he can watch Caleb and he can remind me to cook and tell me what he's hungry for). I only wash my floor once a week (on a good week). I usually only do laundry when Caleb or I have run out of clean clothes to wear. My bathroom doesn't get cleaned every week (*gasp*). But my family still loves me and I get to spend every day feeling like I've accomplished what's important.

My mom always says that people want to see me they are welcome to come by. If people want to see my house they have to make an appointment in advance. I also have had friends say to never apologize for your house or kids.

An evening out for Mama

So Caleb is finally back into his normal(ish) routine. He has no extra teeth and I still haven't figured out why he was so restless last week. But I think that responding to his cues is definatly paying off. It might seem late to some moms (especially those who have done "sleep training") but Caleb fell asleep without nursing. He usually nurses for a bit when we crawl into bed and then unlatches and wiggles/rolls until he's comfy and then falls asleep. I was gone last night to a scrapbooking workshop club that I'm in (more on that another time) and so Adam had the privilage of spending the evening with Caleb. Actually, Adam played computer while Caleb played on the floor and watched a movie.

I came home to my two men fast asleep in bed. It's not the first time that someone else has put Caleb to sleep. I've been away in the evening before and Adam rocked Caleb to sleep, or he's been at my mom's and she rocked him to sleep. There was jsut a difference in the air last night though. Adam put Caleb's jammies on (aka his night-time diaper and cover) and they layed on the bed and Caleb was asleep in about 5 mintues. I crawled into bed and neither of them stirred. Caleb slept till about 3 am and probably would have gone back to sleep with just a back rub but I was dying to nurse him by that point.

I'll just say that it was incredible to see Caleb so completely and utterly content without his mama for the evening. He was happy that I was back of course but he knew I would be. It gave me warm fuzzies to know that he trusts his parents so much to be able to sleep that peacefully. And it was very cute to see both my men sleeping on their tummies with their arms in the exact same position!

Sleep, Glorious Sleep!

I had started to take Caleb's sleep pattern a little bit for granted. I know this because his sleep pattern has changed the last couple nights.

Caleb has been a great sleeper since the day he was born. He sleeps when we sleep and when he wakes up in the middle of the night he usually goes right back to sleep. I just got used to the fact that, as a mother, I'm probably never going to get a full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And I'm totally fine with that. But the last few weeks my night weaning techniques have really seemed to be paying off. I nurse Caleb down and then slide him over into the crib. (We took a side off the crib and raised the mattress so that it's level with our bed.) He would sleep there till about 5am and then crawl into bed beside me for a nurse. Then he'd sleep till about 9am when we get up. I really liked this pattern.

Then Caleb got sick a couple weeks ago so I nursed him just about all night for two nights straight because it was the only way that any of us were getting any sleep. I was a little stiff but at least I was well rested and more able to give him the time, patience, and snuggles he required during the day. On the third night he nursed down and went into the crib again with no problems. We went back to that routine for about a week and a half.

The last two nights he has slept for about 3 hours and then woke up every half hour. Yikes! He pretty much never does this. The room is cool enough and the humidifier was running (2 very important things for him to sleep well). There is no logical explanation as to why he should be waking up.

Isn't it funny how when he was sick I was totally willing to nurse him all night but now that he's healthy and shows no real reason for needing it, I just want him to go back to sleep? As moms, we feel like we should to justify their nighttime needs. It's almost like we don't want to meet them if there's no reason for them. Yet needs they are so we, as mothers, step up to the plate to make sure our little ones feel the extra love that they so obviously crave at a time like that.

So this morning when I got out of bed I was pinned between Caleb, who felt the need to spread himself out and snuggle right up next to me at the same time, and Adam, who crawled into bed after morning chores. We have a queen size bed but some days if feels much smaller! It was a little tricky to maneuver myself out of my spot without disturbing any one's sleep.

The mantra of a mother: This too shall pass, it's just a phase. It makes me feel better to know that moms who claim that their child slept through the night at 5 weeks old has nights like this too. All kids have good nights and more restless nights. I have to remind myself of that in the middle of the night when I tell Caleb to "just go back to sleep!" FYI, telling a baby to sleep just doesn't work. I'm hoping this doesn't last too many more nights. Mostly because it disturbs Adam's sleep and he's got a lot on his plate right now.

I think I might nap with Caleb today. And I'm checking his mouth for a tooth. Maybe that's why he's restless....

Commitment to a Newborn

Caleb is currently out in the tractor with his papa and I started thinking about when he was just born and we thought this day would never come. The day when he is able to sit in the tractor all by himself while Adam gets work done has finally arrived. He sits in the little passenger seat and Adam buckles him in. It looks totally cute and he wants nothing to do with me. He waves goodbye to me and tries to close the door! (I’m going to get a picture of it but I forgot my camera.)

Times have changed so much. He used to need to nurse every 1-2 hours. He used to need to be in my arms at all times. He used to need a clean diaper every hour. I’m so glad that I filled his needs. Mothering is a hugely front-end loaded job. Caleb was not a high need baby by any means, by he still took a lot of time and energy. One of the biggest things to adjust to as a new mom was how much he completely and utterly relied on me to survive.

I was his source or nourishment, comfort, stability, warmth, and comfort. That’s a huge responsibility, to truly be the world to someone. It’s no wonder that so many moms suffer from post partum depression, and lack of sleep and the baby blues and mostly (I think) just a feeling of being overwhelmed and lost. Up until you become a mom things in the world make sense. You can have plans, and schedules, and goals. You can pretty much do whatever you want, whenever you want. With a baby a lot of that goes out the window.

I’m not saying that to discourage anyone. It’s quite an amazing change of lifestyle actually. Your baby is completely dependent on you but it’s not a bad thing. I made the choice to have my son’s needs as number one on my list. That meant a lot of my life had to get put on the back burner for a while. I think that’s the part of being a mother that scares people. You have to learn to be selfless. We live in such a selfish and instant gratification society. It’s pathetic how little of ourselves we are willing to give to someone else. Commitment phobias run rampant, whether it be to a career (the average person changes careers 10 times in their life), a relationship (50% of marriages end in divorce), school, a vehicle or house (we buy new ones every 5-7 years) and pretty much anything else.

My parenting “philosophy” consists of meeting Caleb’s needs. That includes his needs for a clean diaper, for play time, for food but it also includes his need to nurse, to be comforted to sleep, and even something as simple as his need to be with his mama. I believe that if I meet these needs when he’s young, they won’t hinder him when he’s older. I know that by showing Caleb a full commitment now he will learn what commitment means. He will be confident in his career and relationships, and everything else that he does in the future. Will he be a perfect adult? Absolutely not. But he will defiantly know what a real commitment looks like.

Do I miss some aspects of my life before Caleb? I don’t usually notice it actually. I enjoy being with Caleb so I don’t often need a “break” from him. I usually just take him with me. Now that he’s getting older I leave him with his Papa or his Oma (my mom), both people that he knows and trusts. I can’t even think of any other sacrifices I’ve made in my life for him. Sure I pee with the door open (and often a toddler on my lap) and cooking dinner takes a little more time than it used to but in the big picture, those amount to very little. The big picture is that my son is happy and healthy and our family has a lot of fun just being together!