An Exclusive Club

So last night when Adam came in from milking he wanted me to listen to a song. He said that the words really spoke to him. The song was "I Believe in Angels" by George Canyon.
I had heard the song before but I don't usually pay really close attention to the words when I'm listening to the radio. Adam listens to the radio pretty much all day every day when he's working in the machinery or milking in the parlour. Not to mention that he has an amazing aptitude for deciphering and remembering lyrics anyway (i.e. he knows what AC/DC is saying!).

Anyway, back to the song. There is a line that says "to watch them sleep how could anyone say that there's no Heaven? Man, there's no way" That was the line that Adam really wanted me to hear (and we actually had to replay that part because I coughed or shuffled a plate or something during those two seconds *oops*). He mentioned that it was a great line in a great song but there was more to it than that. We both sat there and totally agreed with George Canyon. We've spent countless hours just watching Caleb sleep. Not to mention watching Caleb do such simple little things like smile or eat breakfast or play in his sandbox. And the "bigger milestones" like learning to laugh and crawl and then walk and talk. How could such a tiny person know exactly how to do all those things if there wasn't a Creator with an awesome plan for him and his life?

We kept talking about how people without children don't understand how incredible that feeling really is. Other people listen to that song and think "oh how sweet" but it isn't really until you have your own children that you truly understand the depth of it. When you become a parent you automatically belong to this "club" that understands heaven in your child's eyes. A club in which you can talk to another mother (or father) and completely understand where they're coming from when they talk about their relationship with their children. A club that allows you to understand more deeply the joys of actually raising children, despite the poopy diapers, sleepless nights (with newborns or teenagers!), financial responsibility, and the difference that it has made in your marriage. All those things can be looked at as negatives.

I have heard so many people say that they are not ready to give up their current lifestyle. "They ruin your lives" and "they cost to much" are the most common two that I hear. Yet if you ask anyone who has children, neither of those have come to fruition. They will tell you that children have enhanced their lives and that somehow they always manage to make ends meet. And yes you might have to do without some luxuries but if you ask a parent whether they would choose to have their child or an annual all inclusive vacation, or a new car, or more nights out with friends, they will tell you that they would never give up their child to go back to their old lifestyle.

As many of you know I read, a LOT, and some of the things that I've been reading on are the values that society tries to teach us. We are being raised to have a "things before people" mentality. Or "if it feels good, do it." Become a parent puts you in an exclusive club that has proven time and time again that putting people first is where you find "true happiness" (such a corny phrase and I hate using is but can't think of anything better) and that life is not all about you. Contrary to popular belief, people are much happier when they are putting another's needs in front of their own. When you have a child you have very little choice but to put his/her needs before your own. And that's not only okay, it's exactly what we were created to do.

So to all the parents out there, I'm glad to share membership in this club that is based on self-sacrifice, giving without receiving and yet feeling more fulfilled that those not yet in this club.

Being a Wife too

I'm going to start off with being perfectly honost with you. I'm not so great at this one!

I love my husband, he's amazing and I know with 100% certainty that he is the man that God put on this earth for me to spend the rest of my life with. I can honostly say that in over 5 years of marriage and almost 8 years of being together, I have never wished he didn't come into my life. I'm not going to brag about him right now (though I'm sure I could write a whole post about all the ways that he is wonderful) because I want this post to be about how to be a wife.

I watched my wedding video (it was missing until just recently) for the first time since shortly after we returned from our honey moon. It was amazing to watch Adam and I standing up at the front of the church saying our vows. It was even more incredible to hear those vows and know that I would say them again in a heartbeat.

All that being said, I sometimes forget that I am a wife as well as a mother. Anyone who has, or who has had, a toddler knows that they can be quite time consuming. With some of the parenting decisions Adam and I have made for Caleb it can become even moreso. I breastfeed, share sleep, wore him in a moby wrap (he's kind of big now), respond to his cries, and believe babies need their mamas (I rarely go out without him). Adam is in complete agreement with this style of parenting but it means that I have little time for anything else.

Obviously with a very young baby the father will need make sacrifices to make sure that the baby's needs are being met through his wife's time and energy. Newborns are pretty high maintenance and have needs that can (mostly) be filled by the mother alone. There's no getting around that. Toddlers, on the other hand, have the same needs but it is much easier for them to be met by someone other than the mother. This can be a tough transition, not because we (as mothers) want to maintain that dependence (though this sometimes can be the case) but purely out of habit.

For example:
Caleb falls down and hurts himself - I instinctively run over to scoop him up. It can be very difficult to allow Adam to comfort him while I stand in the other room. This has nothing to do with my trust in how Adam handles the situation because he does exactly what I would do (most of the time). I am just so used to being the primary one to fill that need. Logically I know that Caleb is just fine, biologically I am wired to respond to my child.

Being a mother is a 24/7 responsibility. I am pretty sure that I'm not the only mother who forgets about everything around her and just gets absorbed in that mothering role. Let's face it, our kids are adorable, they can make us laugh, they make us feel needed, and there is nothing better to a mother than to see her child(ren) happy and having fun.

So how do we "reclaim" the wife role? How do we remember how to fulfill that role as well? One thing that Adam and I are planning to do is go out a local coffee shop once a week for a couple of hours. We read devotions together every night (Caleb has learned that this is his quiet time). We play games together when Caleb is napping. I don't believe that you absolutly MUST have an official "date night" every week during which you leave your child(ren) with a babysitter. I do think it is wise to spend time focused on your husband. Whether this be getting up half an hour before the children are awake to share a morning chat, or taking young children (the ones that you're not ready to leave yet) with you when you go out to dinner or for a walk or whatever you and your husband enjoy doing together. (Going for a walk is great because you can strap young children into a stroller and the older ones can go play in a park or something.)

It's about staying connected. Phone calls, texting, eating meals together etc. are all ways to stay connected to your spouse. Once you start doing things together (even with the children), it becomes a lot easier to remember that you enjoy spending one on one time with your spouse. Find a hobby you both enjoy, or a project you can work on together. Key things to do with your husband are to pray together everyday and read the Bible (even if it's just a few verses). Once you grow closer to God together, He makes the rest fall into place.

Commitment to a Newborn

Caleb is currently out in the tractor with his papa and I started thinking about when he was just born and we thought this day would never come. The day when he is able to sit in the tractor all by himself while Adam gets work done has finally arrived. He sits in the little passenger seat and Adam buckles him in. It looks totally cute and he wants nothing to do with me. He waves goodbye to me and tries to close the door! (I’m going to get a picture of it but I forgot my camera.)

Times have changed so much. He used to need to nurse every 1-2 hours. He used to need to be in my arms at all times. He used to need a clean diaper every hour. I’m so glad that I filled his needs. Mothering is a hugely front-end loaded job. Caleb was not a high need baby by any means, by he still took a lot of time and energy. One of the biggest things to adjust to as a new mom was how much he completely and utterly relied on me to survive.

I was his source or nourishment, comfort, stability, warmth, and comfort. That’s a huge responsibility, to truly be the world to someone. It’s no wonder that so many moms suffer from post partum depression, and lack of sleep and the baby blues and mostly (I think) just a feeling of being overwhelmed and lost. Up until you become a mom things in the world make sense. You can have plans, and schedules, and goals. You can pretty much do whatever you want, whenever you want. With a baby a lot of that goes out the window.

I’m not saying that to discourage anyone. It’s quite an amazing change of lifestyle actually. Your baby is completely dependent on you but it’s not a bad thing. I made the choice to have my son’s needs as number one on my list. That meant a lot of my life had to get put on the back burner for a while. I think that’s the part of being a mother that scares people. You have to learn to be selfless. We live in such a selfish and instant gratification society. It’s pathetic how little of ourselves we are willing to give to someone else. Commitment phobias run rampant, whether it be to a career (the average person changes careers 10 times in their life), a relationship (50% of marriages end in divorce), school, a vehicle or house (we buy new ones every 5-7 years) and pretty much anything else.

My parenting “philosophy” consists of meeting Caleb’s needs. That includes his needs for a clean diaper, for play time, for food but it also includes his need to nurse, to be comforted to sleep, and even something as simple as his need to be with his mama. I believe that if I meet these needs when he’s young, they won’t hinder him when he’s older. I know that by showing Caleb a full commitment now he will learn what commitment means. He will be confident in his career and relationships, and everything else that he does in the future. Will he be a perfect adult? Absolutely not. But he will defiantly know what a real commitment looks like.

Do I miss some aspects of my life before Caleb? I don’t usually notice it actually. I enjoy being with Caleb so I don’t often need a “break” from him. I usually just take him with me. Now that he’s getting older I leave him with his Papa or his Oma (my mom), both people that he knows and trusts. I can’t even think of any other sacrifices I’ve made in my life for him. Sure I pee with the door open (and often a toddler on my lap) and cooking dinner takes a little more time than it used to but in the big picture, those amount to very little. The big picture is that my son is happy and healthy and our family has a lot of fun just being together!