Wow, It's been Ages!

I haven't posted for quite some some. And I haven't posted regularly for even longer. It seems that life has started to sneak away on me. The last part of my pregnancy was very difficult. I was in a lot of pain and tried to just keep my life rolling along until I had the baby and didn't have to be pregnant anymore. It's sad that such a beautiful part of my life was spent with my just wishing it to be done. But it is done and I feel much better. Well.... some days I do.

Since having Isaac I've had the flu (for the first time in like 4 years) and then Isaac ended up in the hospital for a night at 11 days old. (He had a cold and was having trouble breathing so they wanted to keep him/us for observation to make sure it didn't get worse. Which it didn't. In fact it greatly improved overnight and we still had to BEG them to let us leave. Which we finally just decided that we were going to do anyway.) Then it seems like I had a colicky baby. I truly believe that he was just disorganized after having so much stuff going on with him and around him after being born that he just needed to get this whole life on the outside thing figured out.

Things were finally going really smoothly when I slipped on the ice. Twice in one day. The first time was carrying Isaac in the sling and the second time was carrying Caleb in my arms (I had left Isaac with a friend and was going to pull the car around to pick him up so I didn't fall on the ice with him again.) Normally this wouldn't result in anything but a few bruises but, with my body still recovering from the birth, I woke up the next morning and could barely move. I could barely pick up Isaac. And then we had to pack out bags and go on a last minute trip to Ontario for Adam's Grandpa's funeral. Thankfully we had Adam's sister travelling with us so she helped carry luggage and kids. And on the flight over, Caleb got sick. I thought it might just be motion sickness but he ended up spending most of the time in ON with a terrible fever. So I missed the Wake to take care of the boys. Praise the Lord for the miracle of my back feeling much better so I could actually carry Isaac a bit. God knew that I needed to be strong for my boys (all three of them as Adam was going through a lot with the loss of Grandpa and all) so my back didn't start hurting a lot again until the day we flew home.

So fast forward a few weeks and a few chiropractor appointments. We bought new couches! Yay!! I tried to help Adam move the new couches into our house.... bad idea :( I injured my back even more. the next day was the most painful chiropractor adjustment I've ever experienced. Took my breath away. Literally. I couldn't breathe properly. Sat in the waiting room afterwards until I could muster up enough strength to carry the car seat and buckle the kids into the car. Caleb has gotten to know our chiropractor quite well over the last weeks!

Currently my back is definitely on the mend. It's still sore and the chiro popped my "floating rib" back into place yesterday but I think it's out again this morning. I don't think it's inflamed anymore so that's a bonus. And it's mostly just sore in the evening after a busy day. Adam has forced me to take it easy the last while though. Adam has also helped me catch up on some housework that I have been unable to do with having two little ones and my sore back to deal with. Yay for an awesome and understanding husband!

My prayers about Isaac have been answered and he's feeling much better about the world we live in. He's such a sweet little dude. Still knows how to scream like nothing else if you don't meet his needs but overall he's a content little rascal. He's 4 months old and has (EEK!) started crawling. No I'm not exaggerating. The kid army crawls, slowly but surely. He can also hold himself in the sitting position for a second. Not great at balancing yet though. I should really take a picture so you believe me. I have one determined little baby and he's such a joy to have around.

Caleb turned 3. I now have a preschooler. One who, just yesterday, accepted Jesus into his heart! We were driving in the car (to the chiropractor) and listening to a song about Jesus standing at the door and knocking and if you open the door He will come in. After the song was over Caleb says to me, "I love God."
Me: I love Him too buddy.
Caleb: I love Jesus too.
Me: That's good.
Caleb: I want Jesus to live in my heart.
Me: Really? Have you asked Him?
Caleb: No.
Me: Well you should ask Jesus to come live in your heart.
Caleb: Okay. Jesus will you please come to live in my heart?
Me: *tearing up in the front seat* That's awesome Caleb. Now Jesus will live in your heart forever!

An update on Adam is pretty simple. He's still milking cows and he's still playing WoW. That's his life in a nutshell!

I, on the other hand, have officially had to quit gaming. I used to play with Adam and it was a lot of fun but I just don't have the time to commit to it anymore. Instead I've started sewing again. I always enjoyed sewing but haven't been able to work it into my life until recently. I've started sewing ring sling which I LOVE doing except I've discovered it's not quite as easy as it looks. But I've got a design worked out and materials bought and a few sewn already so all the research I put into it was worth it. I'm also sewing potty training undies for kids and might expand my horizons into other things in the future. I'm trying not to take too much stuff on to myself as I still have a family to look after and just need to play things by ear. Oh, except I also have a plan to make Caleb and Isaac a blanket with minky cow on one side and black satin on the other. Hoping to monogram them too so they can tell whose is whose. They're going to be super cute! If UPS ever delivers my fabric....

Anyway, I hope that's helped catch some people up on my life for the last while. My birth story has been published in "Birth Issues" magazine and I'm looking for the link so that I can link it in my blog so yo can all read it. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

Hormones and "Losing it"

So last night I woke up thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, my hormones are getting back to normal. I went through my life and this was about the train of my thoughts: I'm not on antidepressants anymore, that's good.
I'm not on birth control (and don't ever want to go back on the pill!).
I'm not lactating any more (though we're still nursing)...
Yup, I think my hormones are finally getting a chance to get straightened out!
*ponder*
*ponder*
CRAP! I'm pregnant! So much for that theory!!!

It's kind of silly that I was up at 3:30am to go pee (because I'm pregnant and all midnight trips to the bathroom have become routine) and I'm laying there nearly halfway through my pregnancy thinking that I'm finally able to get my hormones back into shape. Isn't being a woman lovely? Especially a woman of childbearing age! I had to have a giggle to myself about my lack of mental capabilities.

So speaking of hormones, mine are still totally out of wack. Not as bad as they were in the first trimester (i.e. I'm not nauseous all morning anymore) but they are still playing a wonderfully annoying role in my life. For example, Caleb is (I don't want to say it for fear of jinxing it!) mostly potty trained. For a long time we just did a bare bum around the house (I have mostly lino so accidents were easy to clean up) so he got used to a certain way of sitting on the potty. Now that he's graduated to underwear and pants/shorts potty time requires a few very distinct steps. The first being my requirement: tuck and hold your knees together. The second is Caleb's: pants and underwear compeltely off. Now this isn't normally a big deal because they usually just fall off when his little legs are dangling off the potty. A few weeks ago though he was wearing sweatpants with the elastic around the ankles. This means his pants did NOT fall off. Apparently this was te biggest deal in the world (at least to him). I, on the other hand, thought he should just suck it up. He kicked and screamed and I finally tore his pants off, threw them at the wall and said (not so kindly and quite loudly), "There, are you happy now?" and walked out of the room....
So apparently my hormones are still playing a role in my parenting! The worst part was that this blow out could have totally been prevented! It was Caleb's naptime (the plan was to pee and nap) so that moved him into the red zone. Since it was Caleb's naptime, that means it was also probably time for me to have a nap as well (red zone for me). Then add in the fact that I knew he wouldn't like having his pants on and I left them on anyway (strike against me) and the fact that sometimes my hormones just get the better of me (another strike against me). So if you count it up, that's one strike agains Caleb, three against me. As mad as I was at him, it wasn't really his fault. He's two for pete's sake. I'm the adult and should have stayed calm. But I didn't. So he peeed (is that how you spell it?) and then I had to apologize to him and show him I loved him. We sat on the couch and he had some milkies and we both had a nice nap. Although I would like to point out that he did mention to me that I shouldn't throw things.

Would you like another example? He was playing with a piece of our windowsill and I told him not too. He pulled his arm back, I told him throwing is not allowed. He threw it anyway. It wacked me right in the nose. I thought for a bit that he broke my nose because all of the sudden I couldn't see straight. Partially due to the blinding pain and partially due to the anger. I yelled at him not to throw things (I try to control my voice level but it's hard sometimes) and picked him up and gently set him in the corner of the couch.... okay, maybe not so gently. And I'm really grateful that he missed getting wacked into the bookshelf as I had him in my arms and turned toward the couch (I didn't see it, I was partially blind remember?). So he's sitting in the couch and I wanted to walk away. I figured though if he could see my emotions (the one of pain) that he might understand that he hurt mommy. So I chose to sit on the (far) opposite end of the couch. I REALLY didn't want to be near him at that point.
I discovered my nose wasn't broken, just bleeding and VERY bruised. Through his own tears he saw mommy crying and saw me bleeding and, after about 5-10 minutes, came over to apologize and give me a hug. I wasn't ready for his hug (still angry) but what could I do when my little toddler comes over saying "tyorry mommy, owie mommy, no throw, tyorry" with his arms open wide? So him and I had a good chat about throwing things. I also had to tell him he couldn't kiss mommy better because it was owie to touch. And the mark on my nose was handy because he would look at it for the next several days and remember what throwing does.
While this was going on, my potatoes boiled over and my meat burned. But Caleb and I were able to have a good heart to heart. Food is replacable, life lessons are not. As much as I wanted to walk away from him because I was so angry, I'm glad that I didn't. Sometimes it's good to show your children emotions (though like I said I'm still working on the raising my voice thing) so that they can learn mommy and daddy have feelings too.
The first incident was totally my hormones. I was thinking the whole time that this is ridiculous and why am I flipping out? The second incident came to be because I was cooking supper and Caleb was hungry and needed my attention. Who knew you could get so angry at and exasperated with such an adorable little being? It's amazing what will happen when both you and your child are both in the "red zone." So why am I telling you all this? First of all, this blog entry made a lot more sense when I wrote it in my head at 3:30am (it had a much better conclusion, but I can't remember it). Second, because sometimes it's good for parents to know that we're not the only ones that get angry and "lose it." There's a line by Julie Andrews in Princess Diaries 2. She plays Queen Clarice and is talking to her granddaughter (Anne Hatheway - Princess Mia) who has a tedancy to get into questionable situations. The line goes like this "As royalty we are held to higher standards. People look up to us. We can't afford to 'lose it.' Other people 'lose it,' we're supposed to find it."
I love that line! (And yes, I have nearly all that movie memorized.) It can apply to parenting too. Our little people look up to us. We need to show them how to deal properly with our emotions so that they can learn to deal with theres. Does this mean we're always going to get it right? Apsolutely not. Does that make you a bad parent? Absolutely not. Good parents fly off the handle sometimes. But a good parent understands that sometimes circumstances led up to a point and we can't blame the children for that (usually involves being tired, hungry, bored/lonely). Other times we can realize that we messed up and in that case, we MUST apologize to our children. It's only fair to treat them with the respect they deserve. Especially if you want them to treat you with the respect you deserve.
So take the time to sit and read a book with them. Or drive the train around the train track 100 times. And make sure that they get the (healthy) food and sleep they need. It will save you a lot of problems. And if you're in the wrong, own up to it. It makes it a lot easier for them to do so as they get older.

Toddler Translations

So my life has been a complete roller coaster of the last few months making my blogging time very limited.
Every day I spend with my little family gets more and more interesting and involved. I keep thinking about how much Caleb has started to make me laugh (not that he didn't before of course) with his funny little antics. I thought it might be interesting to give you a bit of an insight into Caleb's mind and his way of speaking/thinking.
For those of you who know Caleb on a personal level some of these will come as no surprise. For others, it may jsut let you understand why I enjoy mothering this little man so much.

Caleb has a way of communicating that consists of signs with a few words interjected. Sometimes he makes up his own signs and often he makes up his own words. I think it's pretty typical of a toddler to do so but every toddler still has their very own language.Here's some of Caleb's language:

He says "kitty" and kitties say "wow!" (in a very high pitched voice.
For the most part, all of the other animals just get noises as their names. Examples: fwoof=dog; a whispered "quaaa quaaa"=duck; "mmmmmmoo"=cow (this sound hilarious when he actually says it cuz it's mostly just a long mumble); birrr=bird which says "pee-pee, ouch!" (my mom pretends that her bird bites her so he figures all birds bite); "he he he"=horse; fish consists of a pretty limp fish sign accompanied by the word "twater"

Words:
Twater=water
Trater=tractor (very easy to get confused with water)
Keee= kitty and kids, or "key car" means.... car keys (shocker!)
Bow=ball
Troe bow=soccer (he loves watching Fifa with my dad and playing soccer with his uncle)
Mumbee=mommy
Quaa= quad, wheel loader, skidsteer
Coke-ee = Cookie
Buddies=bubbles
Quock=rock
Cwook or Crock=book (not a great thing for him to say when he wants a Bible from the pew in the middle of a sermon. Don't worry, I explained that the sermon is not a crock)
Bye-ee=bug or butterfly or fly
Bar=Barn
Croaker=Broken
Ttheeo=TV, movie, music. If accompanied by some hand motions it means Tea
Caw-hee=Coffee
Oat=Hot
Bump truck=dump truck
Tyorry or Sossy=sorry
*snif snif*=flower

Phrases (usually half SIGNED, half spoken):
My WORK HELP daddy trater SLEEP moo= I'm going to help daddy bed the cows. (always accompanied by "bye mumbee")
Quaa HELP BABY moo=Let's go help feed the calves then go on a quad ride with daddy.
WORK Bar moo MILK= I'm going to pick up some milk from the barn (usually accompanied by "bye mumbee" and a door slam)
Trow bow ttheeo=I'm going to watch soccer on TV now.
WORK dirt quaa=I'm going to play in the sandbox with my loader... er work in the sandbox I suppose would be a better translation.

Things Caleb loves: Butterflies, bubbles, birds, machinery of all sorts, his mama and papa, playing outside (he would live outside if I let him!), milkies, snuggling with a book, going to Opa and Oma's house, friends of all sorts (he's very good at making new ones), his Cozy Coupe. Pretty much things that all toddlers love. Did I mention that he ADORES his dad? He is a little buckeroo and would follow his daddy to the ends of the earth!
To illustrate:

Thoughts for the Future

A few of you know that I have been thinking/planning to homeschool my child(ren) instead of sending them to public or private school. Through my life I've attended public schools, Christian schools, as well as homeschooled for a couple of years. I will be honost and say that I did well in all 3 systems. I think that school was something that I always enjoyed. Perhaps it's because my dad was a teacher and he instilled a love of learning in me so that I was always eager to pick up a new book and read. Perhaps it's just because I learn very easily in the way that the school systems teach. You pick up a book, you read it, you take some notes, then you write a test. For me this was always very straightforward and simple to understand. Not that I always go the best grades, mind you, but at least I never really believed that I was "stupid" or "didn't read well" or worse, "didn't learn quick enough." Those are all phrases I've heard people close to me say actually.

Since I had pretty good experiences in all three systems, what would cause the big urge in me to homeschool instead of make use of the public/private system?

I came across a website that made me think about my reasons for wanting to homeschool and actually put them on paper. This was an awesome experience for me to go through because not only did it make me evaluate my reasoning (part of it is because I just can't stand the thought of sending my children away from me for 8 hours a day, I want to spend that time with them instead) and expand on that. It was also good for Adam to see what some of the reasons were. He was a little more skeptical of the whole "homeschooling thing" because he only ever experienced going to a Christian school (the same one actually) for all of his education.

So anyway, here's my thoughts that I put on paper as I followed the outline on the aforementioned website. Keep in mind that these are a rough draft and unedited. I realized as I read through them again that some of the wording is awkward but it's quite late now and I don't feel like editing them so I'm just going to type them as I wrote them several months ago :

My Educational Beliefs
1. I believe children should love learning.
2. I believe a parent's main education to a child should be to teach him/her to:
a) Love God wholeheartedly
b) Love others as they love themselves
c) Love him/herself (confidence/self-esteem)
3. I believe all children learn by different methods and learning should be tailored to suit the child (not vice versa)
4. I believe children are naturally curious and should not be discouraged from pursing those interests.
5. I believe education should not be resitricted to a certain subject or method.
6. I believe a parent/teacher should only ever have enthusiasm about a child learning, not disappointment over what they haven't learned.

Life Goals for My Child
1. I hope he learns to listen to his Heavently Father in all things.
2. I hope he shows commitment to what he starts and is a man of his words.
3. I hope he becomes a wonderful, loving, involved husband and father (if God leads him that way).
4. I hope he does everything to his best ability.
5. A man of impeccable morals and ethics, I hope he always does the right thing, no matter what others do.
6. I hope he takes care of the mind and body God has given him.
7. I hope he is not afraid to be who God made him to be. Not ashamed of who he is.

Why we are going to homeschool our children
1. No one has a better vested interes in thier education than we do.
2. To give us flexibility of time to pursue life instead of grades.
3. To stay close to our children - emotionally, mentally, and physically.
4. To take the money we could spend on school and use it for education instead.
5. To be the favorite and respected teacher that they think about when they grow up.
6. Because I want my kids to learn in a way they enjoy.
7. Because kids learn better/more if they are not restricted by graces/curriculum.
8. Because I will not allow anyone to tell or make my child feel stupid.
9. My children will learn with, intereact with, and appreciate children in all age groups.
10. So we can learn right alongside our children.
11. Our school systems sucks.
12. To know what our children are learning.

No Longer a Baby! - Update Post

First off I would like apologize for my lack of posting these last few weeks. It's been a crazy time for us lately. I figure I should take some time to fill you in on some of what has been going on.

One of the "recent events" in my life has occured over a link to a video trailer that I posted on my Facebook page. The documentary is about the influence of the overuse of infant formulas in America. I shared it on my Facebook because I have several friends who would be interested in the education a video/website like that could provide. I also wanted to get more information about the video and how would I be able to see the rest of it.
Some of my breastfeeding friends liked the link (one even knows the author and is getting more informaiton for me about it!) and the information that the video trailer presented. Some of the formula feeding mothers on my friends list agreed that it was an important topic to educate ourselves and talk about. Some were posted directly on my "wall" while a couple were sent as private messages to me.
Unfortunatly, I also recieved some pretty judgemental comments about it. The biggest acusation I recieved was that by posting that link I accused all formula feeding mothers that they are terrible mothers. Now if you watch the link, this video does not say anything about formula feeding mothers being inferior or breastfeeding mothers being superior. My main thought is, did these women even listen to what was said? Or did I just get comments out of their self-defense, perhaps due to their own securities?
In perfect honosty, I would like to say that those comments didn't bother me. But they did. Mostly in the sense that I felt like I was torn down for something I never said or did. I felt attacked for an opinion that I don't hold. I also feel sorry for the mothers who made them because they are obviously already on the defensive about the decisions they made. The video likely just triggered an already existent negative emotional reaction that was, unfortunatly, directed towards me. If you make a decision for the good of your children then you shouldn't let anyone make you feel bad about them.

Now that I've covered something which has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time, I'll move on to more cheery topics. The first one: I dejunked!!! We have (technically) a 5 bedroom home. One of those is our office, one is our bedroom, one has functioned as the "diaper room," and the other two have be basically filled with junk. Caleb and I have finally gotten to the point that we are starting to sleep better with some distance in between us so it was decided for him to actually have his very own bedroom. This meant that at least one of the junk rooms needed to be cleared out. I'm not one to go halfway on a project like that though, so I went storage bin shopping (with my sister, because who wants to buy storage bins solo?) and twisted my husbands arm to help me sort, discard, and store everything. We also recieved and bought some furniture from a friend who is moving and was dejunking as well.
The main floor now has a room for (and shelves/bins) for nearly all of Caleb's toys, books, and craft items (and his craft table), as well as a table for my sewing machine and supplies, and a desk where I can study my parenting and breastfeeding books, Scripture and journal/write. This is quite an accomlishement because the room actually still has floor space for Caleb's train track (his birthday gift from Adam and I) and the whole room is only approx 10.5' by 8.5' (at it's widest points). His bedroom now has his double bed, dressers and a night stand and we were able to keep a separate diaper room with the change table and comfy chair. It was a LOT of work but it was totally worth it! Caleb is currently napping in his new bed. I think it is about the 3rd or 4th time he has done so. I tried to nurse him down in it last night with the plan for us to spend the night there. Caleb had other plans though and nursed his fill, got up, and dragged me by the hand to crawl into bed with daddy :) So I guess he's not quite ready to give up sleeping with us yet, but at least he knows that he has his very own bed for when he's ready.
The best part of my dejunking story: I took a "before" picture of the rooms. Then we worked like busy bees for a couple weeks. When I planned to take the "after" picture my camera was no where to be found. I'm seriously hoping it's not in a storage bin!

My final part of this update is the fact that my little baby is no longer that. He's officially 2 whole years old! We had a really great party with family and a few friends on Sunday. It was a great day for him. He got spoiled rotton and loved every minute of it. In fact, he enjoyed opening the gifts so much that the next day he was putting all his toys back in the boxes to take them out again! He had a blast with his family and little friends who gave him everything from loaders, to a boy doll, to clothes and even one of those Cozy Coupes that he's had his eye on for the last couple of years. We haven't had a lot of the "fancier" toys for him so this birthday it was pretty neat to see his appreciation for his new toys. He's also at an age where he plays with ALL OF THEM. My personal favorie gift that he recieved is a Toddler Learning Kit. The friends who gave it to him/me told me it was to help with my endevours with homeschooling. It's pretty great because it has tips and tools to teach numbers, letters, colours, and shapes. Caleb is going to be sooooo smart! Or at least his mama is going to have a lot of fun over the next year playing "teacher."

So Caleb's birthday party was on Sunday. I had been suffereing from fatigue for several weeks and headaches for several days prior. I should have taken that as a sign. But I ignored it. BAD IDEA! I woke up Sunday morning with chills, body aches, and a monstor headache (previously the headaches started late afternoon to evening). In short, I felt like I got his by a mack truck. I was debating about whether or not I should postpone Caleb's party but cleaned up a bit and prepared the house. Then I figured I would nap for an hour before people came. I woke up from my nap and realized something. I was not coming down with the flu like I originally though. I actually had mastitis. Before the nap I actually felt better. After the nap, add in an inflamed/infected breast to the mack truck. But by this point it was nearly time for people to start arriving so I had no time to cancel the party.
The cure for mastitis is to rest/sleep all day and nurse nurse nurse. I had no opportunity to do either on Sunday. I though for sure that I was going to rush in to either the walk-in or the ER on Monday morning. But Caleb must have sense that something was wrong and God answered my prayers. We went to bed on time and Caleb nursed like a newborn, ALL NIGHT! It was amazing because he hasn't done that for a long time. I woke up Monday morning feeling, surprisingly, better than Sunday. I took Monday to sit on my butt on the couch all day and rest. I am happy to say that I'm feeling much better. I have no idea how I made it through Sunday while feeling so sick but God was looking out for me and He made sure that I didn't suffer extra long for it.

So that was a really long update. I have started several blog entries in the last few weeks and maybe, someday, I'll get time to actually finish them! Hopefully now that my house is more organized my head will be too..... or maybe that's wishful thinking.

Motherly Love - It's not always instant

Pregnancy was very surreal to me for the first number of months. It was hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there was a little person growing inside me. That the little feet that kicked my tummy would one day be the same little feet I'd play "This Little Piggy" with.

I won’t talk here about how my birth experience and how it was completely not what I wanted. I won’t complain about the fact that I had an unnecessary cesarean section. I had my son in my arms after about an hour and he was healthy and I was quickly recovering from the surgery. My husband and I had a boy named picked out before I even got pregnant with our son. Jeremiah. I was so excited that I told the nurses in the O.R. about Jeremiah, the ones in the recovery room, and the ones that brought me up to the hospital bed where I would first officially get to hold my son. My husband came in the room carrying that little bundle, placed him in my arms and said, “Honey, I’m sorry…… Um…... He really doesn’t look like a Jeremiah!”

And so began my journey with this little stranger. He was the cutest baby I had ever seen. A lot of the nurses would poke their head in the room just to get a look at him. He even got the “Cutest Baby on the Ward” award (that constituted of a smiley face beside our room number on the whiteboard which signaled nurses to come meet us). I loved him right from the start. He immediately took over residence in my heart. Caleb was my angel and I would do anything to keep him from harm. I was totally in love with my little man.
Umm…
Not quite. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t love him. He was my child after all. I knew even while I was in labour that I would love being a mom and would want many more children (my husband told me that we should probably wait a while though, smart man). I just didn’t have that “maternal bond” that people always talk about. I looked at him and saw this adorable little baby and wondered why I didn’t love him as much as I thought I should. Truth be told, there were times I thought of him kind of like a pet. You feed a pet, you make sure it gets exercise, you snuggle with it and you have a love for it. The nurse poked his heel for blood tests and then commented about how great it was that I was so calm with my bleeding and crying child next to me. After I got home, people always commented on how calm of a mother I was. “You’re not like most first time moms who come running as soon as their baby cries.” Little did they know what I was feeling inside.

I longed to have that passionate, undying love that a mother feels for her child. I wanted to cry when he cried (I tried actually, it didn’t work) and feel pain when he felt pain. I wanted that closeness and connection with my son. I wanted to feel that infamous “motherly love;” to have that much talked about “bond.” But I just didn’t. I thought something was wrong. I blamed it on the c-section. I have read about the fact that certain hormones are released during a vaginal birth that promote bonding. They weren’t released for me. A friend told me that it was okay to “mourn” for the type of birth that I had but then I had to move on. She had an unplanned cesarean too. I felt so guilty that I didn’t love my son the way that I thought a mother should.

On the outside, I was a very good mother. I fed my son when he was hungry, changed him when he needed it, snuggled with him around the clock, sang to him when he was awake, and stared at him while he was sleeping (unless I fell asleep too). A lot of moms stare at their child because they just can’t get over how amazing their little miracle is. I stared at mine for two reasons: he was so adorable I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and I was looking for some sort of special connection with him.

I had an epiphany after about a month: I had never loved as a mother before so it would make sense that I didn’t know how. It was really that simple. It sounds silly but it all came together for me at that moment. I had a sense of relief. I talked to people about this and discovered that I wasn’t alone with these emotions. It confirmed to me that bonding is not just hormonal (although I’m sure hormones help). Bonding is something that is learned and needs nurturing. So being a typical Canadian who has access to the internet, I searched for tips on how to bond with my baby. The biggest thing that I discovered was to follow my gut. Or my “mother’s intuition;” the intuition that I thought was missing from me.

I also read a paragraph in The Baby Book about how the first 3 months of being a mother are about getting to know your baby. Yesterday during Coffee Break (a Women's Bible study I attend weekly)we talked about a passage in Philipians. In Philippians 1:9 it says "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge." Paul is talking in particular about the Philippians learning more about God and through doing so, they will draw closer to Him. One of the moms there made a really good point. She mentioned that this works the same way with children. The more you get to know them, the more you love them. I am so glad that, instead of spending the first months of Caleb's life trying to fit him into MY life by trying to make him follow MY routine and My ideas about how parenting should be, I spent time getting to know him.

I also believe that this knowledge of my son gives me much more confidence in myself as a mother. As Caleb gets older and goes through all those wonderful toddler stages, I can always go back to asking myself, "why does he do this and how would be the best way to deal with it?" I think that a lot of times it's easier just to ask the "how to deal with it" part of that question and forget to figure our children out. I may go "against the grain" with a few of the parenting choices that Adam and I have made, but I know what's best for Caleb because I know Caleb best. It doesn't (usually) bother me when people give me all sorts of "advice" because I can feel confidence in the fact that they just don't know Caleb as well as I do. They are probably giving advice that has worked for themselves or someone they know. With a different child and a different parent-child relationship. I'm not saying that I don't take advice from people who hae been there and done that. I am, however, saying that I'm not bothered by the "helpful" hints to get Caleb to sleep through the night, or sleep in the crib, or wean, or a number of other things. I know that I'm doing what's best for my son and that's the part that matters to him.

Anyway, the jist of this post is that a great bond is something that you need to work on. And keep working on it. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you knew your teenager the same way that you knew your infant/toddler?

Quirks and Anecdotes

So having a child really changes your life. Before you're married and settled down you talk about "the good ole days." Then you get married and talk about your adorable cats (don't laugh, I know many people who do this!). Then you have children and your topic of conversation changes once again. So I'm going to take this entry to tell you some of the cute things that Caleb does and says.

He is currently eating uncooked spaghetti, which he loved and I have given up the fight on this one (there are worse things he could be eating).

He often will put on either his touque or Adam's an pull it down over his face and run around the house yelling "RAWR!" Sometimes he runs into walls while doing thing. He thinks it's hilarious.

A few days ago I told him I needed to go to the potty so he came with me (he usually follows me everywhere) and proceeds to plunk his "Little People" in his little potty (that he doesn't actually use so it's clean). He then signed "potty" and waited till I finished. I started washing my hands and he handed me the Little Person to wash her hands too. (Now if only he would realize that he can use the potty too!)

The aforementioned Little Person is a little girl in a red hat and a yellow rain jacket. He calls her "daddy," because she has glasses like daddy does. I get the Little Person holding flowers and a lunch kit, because the lunch kit is a diaper bag.

He doesn't call me "mama." He calls me "mum-bee." Sometimes if he's searching the house for me he just yells "Bee! Bee!"

He has recently learned to put his boots on. So he puts on his boots, touque, and usually a mitten on and then lets himself outside into the snow. He has also done this in only his diaper. He also knows (as of the last couple days) how to unlock the deadbolt. (I have an escapee problem in my house)

He has tried to run over his banana with his ride-on toy.

The ride-on toy does wheelies already.

He doesn't do the full hand grip on his spoon that most toddlers do. He holds it prim and proper, like an adult.

He tried to blame the coloring on the wall on my friend's 5 month old baby.

Caleb has an incredible ability to hear a truck or tractor from 4 miles away. For example, there was a siren in the distance last night as I was nursing him down (we live about 1/4 mile off the highway and I had to strain to hear it). I thought he was nearly asleep. All of the sudden he pops off and says, "Truck." He has only ever heard sirens on a movie or on a toy police car.

He also knows the instant the tractor is started on the farm and feels the urge to put his boots on to "help Papa work, tractor."

He communicates in complete sentances (sometimes). Half signs and half words.

Some of the less common signs that he knows: work, tea, potty/toilet, diaper change, brush teeth, color, sleep, and friend.

He thinks all babies need "milkies" and "diaper changes."

He has 4 teeth on the top, two on the bottom and four molars. It his been this way for about 7 months. Though it seems that a couple days ago he finally got in his canine teeth.

He has no comfort object other than his mom and dad. I'm glad that he's attached to people and not a thing. Makes my life easier, you can't leave a person behind at a friends house and they don't have to go through the washer.

So anyway, those are few things that I find adorable about my son. There are lots more and he just gets cuter every day. Even though there are times that it can be frustrating to be a 24/7 mom the good moments are more often and more memorable. I think that sometimes when you become a mom you are told about all the hard work that it is and how you'll never sleep a full night again. I like to welcome people into motherhood buy telling them it just gets better and better all the time.

Final cute thing: Adam is due in the house any minute. Caleb has taken styrofoam plates and plastic popsicle handles out of the cupboard and arranged them on the floor near the doorway. I asked what he was doing and he said, "cook, daddy, work" He's making his daddy supper for when he comes in from work. What a sweetheart! Now to stop him before he eats the plates!

Hitting and Throwing - What Worked for Us

I feel like I'm constantly talking about discipline. But it occurred to me that, at this age, it seems that a large part of parenting consists of disciplining. He's almost two (yikes!) and is at that age where he's really starting to learn that he can make his own decisions and doesn't actually have to do exactly as mama tells him to (remember that Free Will I talked about last week?). I am sure that most moms (especially those with will boys) have been through this stage as well. Caleb really enjoys seeing what happens when he throws toys. He also gets frustrated and wants to show it in a physical way, i.e. he hits.

Let me first say that I DO NOT believe in the "terrible twos." In fact, I despise that phrase and wish people would stop using it. It seems to me like it is a) giving the child an excuse for their behavior and b) giving the parent an excuse for why they lose patience with their child. Plus, to be perfectly honest, two is one of the most fun stages that you can experience with your child and it's sad that society has devalued this stage to be nothing more than tantrums and frustration. The "twos" is a stage when children are really starting to communicate, interact, laugh at jokes, play pretend and so much more. I prefer to call this stage the "terrific twos."

Sorry, I got a little off-track there. Now that I'm done with my little "rant," let's move onto the topic at hand.

Caleb started throwing toys when he was quite young but he never did it very regularly or with any actual force until about a month ago. Even one of the ladies that watches him at church while I am attend a women's Bible study mentioned it to me one day. That was when I knew that it was getting a bit out of hand and he could hurt himself or someone else. Not to mention that he could break something. It's not that I didn't do anything about it when he threw a toy but I it never really escalated and I thought he might just be doing it at home to get attention. Turns how he was doing it in public with other people's toys. I'll say here what I tell Caleb about this: this is unacceptable behavior.

I started by giving him a warning if he threw a toy. And asked him to show me how to "do gentle touches." (We're really big on gentle touches because we have two cats and he knows what it means.) I'll be honest, it didn't really work :) So I took his toy away. This was when he would got angry, and hit me. He is a very physical little boy and he felt like his aggression could be released by getting physical. The throwing toys I could handle, but hitting me was something completely new. He has never seen anyone hit another person (in my house anyway) and I have no idea where he learned this. But he did. And there was a while when he would clench his little fists and take a swing at me! I tried to tell him "that hurts mama, that's not gentle touches, can you show me gentle touches?" A lot of times this worked. He would caress my cheek or give me a hug to show me that he was sorry. But there were times when he didn't give up so easily. He would turn and hit the fridge or the floor or even the cat a time or two.

So being the average Canadian mom, i went on the Internet to look for tips. I was startled by a lot of them:
- lock them in their room: I did this once for about 60 seconds because I really needed a break and he was scared that I had left him for good. Plus he ate my lip balm in the meantime.
- hit them back: This made the least sense, how can I teach him not to hit if I am hitting? And do I really want to hit my child?
- time outs in the corner: he would never stay in the chair. Again, he thought I abandoned him. And even when I sat with the chair he just wanted to crawl into my lap.
- ignore it, he'll grow out of it: Yeah, right. And in the meantime I'll just let him hurt himself and other people.
- Cry so that he sees he's hurt you: this only works if your child is receptive at that point but a lot of children are unable to focus on anyone but themselves at a time like this.

So I went back to my trusty Ask Dr Sears site to see if I could glean any information from there.

Here's what worked for Caleb and myself in regard to his hitting. I sat on the floor with him and grabbed his hands. I told him "hitting hurts mommy. Hitting is not nice. It is not acceptable behavior. Gentle touches please." I would repeat all those phrases that he had already become accustomed too. Then I added a new one. I told him "if you can't control your hands, mama will help control them for you." If I had just told him that and not followed through with it, I would have gotten nowhere. So for a couple of days I made sure to follow through. Even if it meant turning off the stove while cooking dinner. This meant I sat on the floor holding his hands (bear hugs are great for this) for him until he calmed down enough to reason. One time I held him until he actually fell asleep in my arms(anger can be exhausting!).

Note: For Caleb it was anger that triggered his hitting. Some children do it out of boredom or to get your attention. Try to figure out the reason so you can deal with the root instead of the result.

Flashback to a month later: he barely hits at all. Or throws toys either. If he does, the toy gets taken away for a while. There was a day when I took away quite a number of toys and my linen closet got really full! When I see him raise his hands I remind him "control your hands please. If you can't control them mama will help you." Some days he needs to be reminded several times but I can't actually remember the last time I reminded him. As for the lady at church, she mentioned this past Wednesday that Caleb is such a well behaved little boy and she was surprised how very short-lived his toy throwing and hitting "phase" lasted. It's so great to get the reassurance that he's not just on his best behavior for me but also behaves elsewhere.

So that's my success story with overcoming this stage that can escalate very quickly. Or at least it's on pause right now. But Dr. Sears says that 3 year olds are easier to discipline. So I'll cling to that fact (though I know mothers who would disagree with him on that point lol!) and hope that this issue stays away for some time. Anger is an issue that both Adam and I have dealt with in the past (and we still have our explosive moments) so if Caleb is anything like his parents we're not through with teaching how to express anger in a healthy way and control it instead of letting it control you. But I know that if this problem comes around again, at least I will already have a plan in place to deal with it. For now, I'm enjoying the "terrific twos" with my son.

My favorite part of this stage right now is that he's learning how to play pretend with his Little People (the little girl with glasses is "daddy" (Adam wears glasses)which is hilarious!) and the Little People kiss (sound effects and all) and then he lays them down to go to sleep. So cute!

Please feel free to leave a comment with any of your experiences in what worked or didn't work for you and your family. I'd love to get more ideas.

The Perfect Parent - Part 2

So last week I talked about the toddler in the grocery store. I just want to address the comment that was made about the discipline factor involved in parenting. I completely agree that most parents need to be more patient and just accept their children will be children and try things out. But, in my mind at least, patience and discipline go hand in hand. I read a really great post about spanking (can't find the link at the moment) and how it is one thing to spank your child when you're angry. It's completely different to spank your child out of love. If you are angry you are much less likely to be fair and gentle in your discipline. If you are exercise patience, you try to understand the child's motive behind the behavior and thus respond more confidently and in a way that will (hopefully) get the child to understand that you love them but will not accept this behaviour. (This is not a post to encourage or discourage spanking, I just wanted to illustrate).

Now, onto my original thoughts for this post.

We do all the right things (or at least try to) and pray for our children and teach them all we can about Jesus and His love and his Word. We discipline them with love and patience. We teach them right from wrong. We take heart the verse that tells us to "train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Then we hear from the principle that our child is skipping class. Or was caught smoking.
Or perhaps they have decided to stop attending church when they move out, or marry an unbeliever, or constantly chase after money, or live in any other non-Christian way. Ways that they certainly didn't learn from us!

I often think about how I would feel if, after all of the "good" parenting choices Adam and I make along the way, Caleb ends up going astray. We all know families where all the children were raised in the same household by the same parents yet one of the children becomes a "black sheep." Or some families where it seems that as soon as the children are out the door, the run the opposite direction and never look back.

It's easy for parents to start looking back and pick things out of their history with their child that should have been a "sign" of things to come. Maybe if I had attended more of their hockey games... Maybe if I was a little more lenient/strict with curfews... Maybe if I had paid more attention to who he/she was hanging out with... Maybe if I dealt with that particular incident better... It's a true fulfillment of the saying that "hindsight is 20/20." We can look back and see all the times that we could have done things differently. All the choices that we "should" have made, but did something differently. I know of many parents who beat themselves up by agonizing over every little detail of their child's past to see how they could have prevented things that are happening in their present.

I'm going to be perfectly honest by saying that there probably was a better ways to deal with those particular "hind sights." That being said, you need to consider this. Did you make those decisions based on God's guidance? Did you deal with situations out of love for your child? Or did you make those decisions with the intent that your child stray/rebel? What I'm basically asking is did you push your child in that direction on purpose? I can almost guarantee that the answer to that question is NO.

Since you did not consciously choose to send your child(ren) down a path away from the Lord then it would make sense that you also not blame yourself for their faulty decisions. A friend once told me that you can have a really great child but you can't take credit for all of it. Some children are just easier to parent than others. I always say that God has blessed me with an amazing child. I fully realize that Caleb's personality (that God given design) plays a big role in how easy he (usually) is to parent. On the flip side, we can't blame ourselves when they start making bad choices. God gave us Free Will, and He gave that same Free Will to our children.

Due to the Fall of Man and the introduction of sin into the world, we can't really fault ourselves for not making perfect decisions all the time. And we have to realize that imperfect parents raise imperfect children. No matter how amazing of a parent we are, there's nothing we can do to make our children turn out perfectly. That sounds a little disheartening doesn't it? If that's the case, what point is there in ever trying at all? So where do we find the hope?

The hope lies in God's promise to us in Proverbs 22:6. We sometimes forget that just because we teach a child something and live as an example to them their whole lives. they may not always do exaclty what we want them to do. For example, I have never climbed over the back of the couch. Caleb decided to do this. I was able to catch the little stinker before he fell of the other side and hurt himself. Where did he get the idea that climbing over the couch was okay? I have no idea! It's not quite the same scale as some of the life-altering/threatening decisions that plague older children but the principle is the same. I can tell Caleb that he shouldn't climb the couch, I can explain the results, but he may still end up doing it anyway. The only thing that I can do, as his mother, is be there to comfort him when he falls. But I can take comfort in the fact that no matter how many times he may fall off the couch (even after me telling him not to cimb it) when he is little, he will learn. Eventually. It may not be for another 10 years, but he will learn.

The same applies to teenagers and adult children. If you are constantly there to comfort them when they fall, the will eventually learn that falling hurts. They will also learn that you love them despite their imperfection and you can help them understand the God loves all of us in spite of our imperfections. Note: I'm not encouraging you to "bail your kid out" every time he/she gets into trouble, kids need love, not money and other material things. And we can take hope in the fact that EVENTUALLY they will turn back to the Truth. Once a child of God's, always a child of God's. He doesn't let go of His children.

So that concludes my current thoughts on being a perfect parent. I will apologize for and mistakes of strange phrasing. This has been an interesting post to write because Caleb woke up halfway through, and Adam came in the house so I've been a little distracted and all over the place. And I don't have time to give it a final edit because I'm going on a date tonight!

The Perfect Parent - Part 1

I'm going to start by apologizing for the delay in posting up a new entry. Caleb was sick for a few days last week and then there was the day where he woke up with no fever (hooray!) but had a lot of trouble cutting a tooth. (Teething is not a new experience for us but the first half of his teeth came after no fussing but just a 3 hour nap. So the pain that he was in for this particular tooth was a new experience for our family.) I was very blessed to have the freedom to hold my little man the entire time he was sick. But this also means that I'm behind on everything else.

Anyway, onto today's topic. After reading the heading you probably think I'm off my rocker. So I'm going to explain a little bit about where my head is at.

Our society has an epidemic. It's the epidemic of being the "perfect parent." Most of us have heard the phrase "I was a great parent, then I had kids." We all snicker at that because it's TRUE! It was easy for us to watch a toddler throw a temper tantrum in the grocery store and say "my child would never get away with something like that." Or perhaps we see a teenager wearing some... questionable attire and we tell ourselves "I would never let my child leave the house looking like that." Let's face it, before we have children we know exactly how children should dress, act, eat, talk, etc.

Then comes along our first child. And we realize that even our perfectly parented toddler can push other children, or throw toys, or *gasp* throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. This is really the moment when we should take a step back and say a mental apology to all those other moms and dads that we have judged in the past. Unfortunately we do something that really doesn't make a lot of sense. We are ASHAMED of our child. We know that there a people staring at us and judging us (the same way that we have judged in the past) and we try to find a quick fix for the current problem so we can walk out of the store as quickly as possible and hope that no one will remember the terrible parent with the obnoxious toddler.

In our heart, we know that our child was probably just hungry, or tired, or just didn't understand the situation (quick example: a child gets crackers as a snack at home, sees a whole row of them on the shelf at the store and doesn't understand why he can't have his usual snack - he's not being a bad child, he just doesn't understand why his favorite snack is not for touching). But we live in a society in which being a "perfect parent" is all about looking good. You and your child can both be torn up on the inside but if things look good on the outside, people think you're doing a good job.

I realize that an epidemic like this cannot be cured by administering a simple antibody. But I do believe it is something that we can, if we choose to, work out of our system. We cannot control how other people view us. If someone believes that you are a "bad parent" because your child is acting like *SURPRISE* a child, that isn't something we can change. We can only control our own thoughts and words and actions. And we can't even do that alone! It's alot easier to ask God for His guidance in this part.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)

I think that a really great way that we can put this into practice is how we view other parents. Parents are always in competition with eachother. It's time that we started supporting eachother instead. Or at least not being so verbal about our disapproval. Do we want our child (you remember, the one that just threw a tantrum himself) to grow up and see the toddler in the grocery store only to give that parent the same judgemental and disapproving looks YOU received because "when I have children, mine will never do that."

Picture this: You have a baby on your hip and your toddler is kicking and screaming on the floor in the grocery store.

Scenario A: A mother walks by with her own children and makes an off-hand remark to her own children about how it's such a disgrace that some children are allowed to behave that way in public.

Scenario B: A mother walks by with her own children and, instead of judging you, leans down to help you? Perhaps she offers to hold your baby so you can deal with the toddler. Perhaps she just moves your cart out of the way for other customers. Perhaps she just offers you a smile and asks if there is anything you need. Perhaps she just walks by and tells her children something more like "That little boy is upset. Remember when you got upset the other day? But he'll be okay because his mommy loves him and is trying to make him feel better."

We don't live in a perfect world. And, even if every single person that reads this today puts it into practice, I'm not naive enough to think that enough people read this to make a difference overnight. I do believe that the people who put this into practice will see a difference in their own lives though. It's a pretty simple start to making some big positive changes in your life.

So today I'm asking to you to stop judging other parents and parenting styles (unless of course the child is being harmed). Accept that kids will be kids, not matter how "well" they are parented. And learn to be patient with your children and accept the stages they are going trhough for what they are. We cannot have perfect children because we are imperfect parents. Do what you do out of love for your children, and realize that even though you may disagree, other parents make their choices our of love for theirs too.

Throwing a Fit vs Communication

I've mentioned how Caleb is such an easy child to pretty much every one that I know. And I will mention it again for those of you who don't know. He's very laid back and doesn't really get into stuff he shouldn't be into. He's also perfectly content playing by himself for sometimes hours at a time. Every once in a while he comes to check up on me and pulls me to where he has been playing because he has something so exciting that he wants to share with me. He doesn't complain when it's bedtime, he doesn't fuss for more than a few minutes when we need to come inside, and he is all around just a very even tempered and easy going little boy.

Now that I've bragged about my amazing son (every mother is entitled to let others know how great her children are) I will let you know that he's not perfect. He is a toddler and toddlers aren't all that great at communicating their emotions. Caleb's current way of letting us know he's upset consists of laying down on his tummy and whining (sometimes very angry sounding whines). Adam has tried to call them "fits" or "temper tantrums." I, however, would like to give my son the benefit of the doubt. I call it "inability to communicate."

Here's what I think: Caleb doesn't talk. He feels emotions very strongly and they are all new to him. He doesn't understand my reasoning when I tell him he's not allowed to play with something. So it makes sense that he gets upset and doesn't know how to express his feelings. I think that looking at his behaviour in this way has taught me to deal with it a little differently than if I looked at it as a temper tantrum.

The first time Caleb laid himself on the floor when he was upset I sat down beside him and tried to explain what he was feeling. I did that because he didn't know how to explain it but when he starts talking he will have the words necessary to tell me instead of show men how he feels. I said something along the lines of "You're upset aren't you? You don't like that mommy took away your porch privileges" Then I went on to explain to him why I did that. "Mama has told you that the kitty dishes are off limits. They are not a toy." Sometimes if it's something dangerous then I tell him that and why it's dangerous. Then I try to build up his emotions again "Mama loves you, Caleb I love you. You're a wonderful boy. Would you like a hug?"

My theory is that I'm teaching him that it's okay to feel those emotions but there are better ways to deal with them. And once he makes the decision to get up off the floor, I'm waiting with open arms. Sometimes I rub his back, just to give him that human contact and remind him he's not alone. And sometimes he pushes my hand away at first, but he always accepts it after a little bit.

Another important thing that a lot of moms have found is to see when they start that behavior. It is usually at a time when they are either bored, hungry or tired. Eliminate those factors and you'll find that those times of difficult communication lessen drastically. Or at least they don't last as long.

I know that it will make a difference in the long term. I'm a firm believer in "train up a child in the way he should go." That and I believe that children are just that, children. They don't understand things the way that we do. We expect way to much of them a lot of times. They like to try things and explore reactions and don't mean any harm by it. Just like I mentioned with the water cooler, they see something that looks like fun and don't understand the consequences. Yes, even if you're told them 100 times, they don't always remember. Kind of like husbands who need to be nagged sometimes.... not that I ever nag of course.... ummm yeah....

So anyway, Caleb barely lays on the floor like that. He did it really bad a couple times but now he will just lay there and wait for me to sit by him. Then he holds up his hand for me to help him up and crawls into my arms. It's really cute actually. Yes, I give my son attention when he "throws a fit." He's learning that I am paying attention to him and that his feelings do matter.

An evening out for Mama

So Caleb is finally back into his normal(ish) routine. He has no extra teeth and I still haven't figured out why he was so restless last week. But I think that responding to his cues is definatly paying off. It might seem late to some moms (especially those who have done "sleep training") but Caleb fell asleep without nursing. He usually nurses for a bit when we crawl into bed and then unlatches and wiggles/rolls until he's comfy and then falls asleep. I was gone last night to a scrapbooking workshop club that I'm in (more on that another time) and so Adam had the privilage of spending the evening with Caleb. Actually, Adam played computer while Caleb played on the floor and watched a movie.

I came home to my two men fast asleep in bed. It's not the first time that someone else has put Caleb to sleep. I've been away in the evening before and Adam rocked Caleb to sleep, or he's been at my mom's and she rocked him to sleep. There was jsut a difference in the air last night though. Adam put Caleb's jammies on (aka his night-time diaper and cover) and they layed on the bed and Caleb was asleep in about 5 mintues. I crawled into bed and neither of them stirred. Caleb slept till about 3 am and probably would have gone back to sleep with just a back rub but I was dying to nurse him by that point.

I'll just say that it was incredible to see Caleb so completely and utterly content without his mama for the evening. He was happy that I was back of course but he knew I would be. It gave me warm fuzzies to know that he trusts his parents so much to be able to sleep that peacefully. And it was very cute to see both my men sleeping on their tummies with their arms in the exact same position!

Finding Love in the Midst of a Flood

This is the continuation of my frustrations at the water cooler...

"Spare the rod and spoil the child."
(Proverbs 13:24 "He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently")

"Thy rod and staff, they comfort me" (Psalm 23:4)

These are the two verses that came to the forefront of my mind in regard to discipline. I certainly don't hate my son and I want him to learn certain boundaries. Especially when there are negative consequences to not following those boundaries. But instead of the common thought that the first verse gives to people about harsh punishment with the rod, I try to remember it in the context of a shepherd. The Great Shepherd in this case. I read a book by Francine Rivers, The Prophet. It was about a shepherd and it really opened my eyes to the use of the shepherd's rod in regard to protecting and guiding his sheep. I can't help but think of the visuals that Rivers put in my mind through this book. How Jesus, as our Shepherd wants to protect us from dangers and uses the crook of his staff to pull us from danger. It was a comfort to Amos' sheep (in the book) to feel the rod pull them back to safety, sometimes more harshly that others. They knew that he would protect him.

That's the way that I want Caleb to feel about me. I want him to know that I set the limits so that he can be safe. I don't want him to respect me out of fear but out of love and a want to obey. As bad as it sounds, however, it's defiantly easier if he's afraid to touch the water cooler.

I know that the Bible also says not to put stumbling blocks in front of people that can cause them to sin. I finally figured out a way to keep Caleb from touching the water cooler! I accept the fact that he's just too young to understand the consequences of playing with the water cooler. Even with all the repetition he just doesn't get it. It's not a character flaw in him, he's not doing it to be bad. He's doing it because he loves to play with water (whether that be in the bathtub, a puddle, the sink while doing dishes, cat water dishes etc).

Solution: We turned the water cooler around into the corner. Yes, it's a complete pain to turn it back around every time that I want a glass of water. But I would rather take a bit more time to get a glass of water that put something in Caleb's way that tempts him to disobey a boundary I've set out. He was a little upset at first. He didn't understand why he couldn't find the taps. We'll see how it goes over the next few weeks and then try turning it around again. Maybe he will understand that he's not allowed to touch it or maybe he'll grow bored of it. Or maybe not. But it's much easier on all of us to just take the temptation away right now.

I probably could just watch him closely and keep repeating that he's not allowed to touch it. It's just not a big enough concern for me to do so (unlike when he was learning to stay on the lawn and not run onto the gravel). The biggest thing that I've learned about discipline from this is that when I run out of patience with Caleb, I need to take a step back and put myself in his position. I can't look at him as an adult that understands the logical explanation of all the reasons why he shouldn't do certain things. I shouldn't punish him for something that he just doesn't understand. It's not like he was hurting anyone or himself with this. He just wants to have some fun. I've found that going face to face with him and looking him directly in the eye, I see that he's not out to be malicious. Not that I really thought that, I just lost sight of the big picture because I was more focused on my frustration with the situation that I was on him and his needs.

Discipline is a time to reconnect with my son and learn how to understand him more. I've learned that he REALLY enjoys playing with water. This is a great tidbit of information because it means I have a way to occupy him throughout the winter. I can plop him in the tub, even if he doesn't need a bath, and give him some cups and containers. He could probably entertain himself for quite a while (with me sitting in the bathroom supervising of course, beauties of a laptop or a good book). I also know that he will be helping me often with washing dishes (the floor is lino and clothes can get chucked in the dryer). Mama just needed to relax and take advantage of this learning opportunity.

I feel way better about things now! And I'm sure that Caleb does too because now his mama is going to give him exactly what he wanted, except within the allowed boundaries of course.

Commitment to a Newborn

Caleb is currently out in the tractor with his papa and I started thinking about when he was just born and we thought this day would never come. The day when he is able to sit in the tractor all by himself while Adam gets work done has finally arrived. He sits in the little passenger seat and Adam buckles him in. It looks totally cute and he wants nothing to do with me. He waves goodbye to me and tries to close the door! (I’m going to get a picture of it but I forgot my camera.)

Times have changed so much. He used to need to nurse every 1-2 hours. He used to need to be in my arms at all times. He used to need a clean diaper every hour. I’m so glad that I filled his needs. Mothering is a hugely front-end loaded job. Caleb was not a high need baby by any means, by he still took a lot of time and energy. One of the biggest things to adjust to as a new mom was how much he completely and utterly relied on me to survive.

I was his source or nourishment, comfort, stability, warmth, and comfort. That’s a huge responsibility, to truly be the world to someone. It’s no wonder that so many moms suffer from post partum depression, and lack of sleep and the baby blues and mostly (I think) just a feeling of being overwhelmed and lost. Up until you become a mom things in the world make sense. You can have plans, and schedules, and goals. You can pretty much do whatever you want, whenever you want. With a baby a lot of that goes out the window.

I’m not saying that to discourage anyone. It’s quite an amazing change of lifestyle actually. Your baby is completely dependent on you but it’s not a bad thing. I made the choice to have my son’s needs as number one on my list. That meant a lot of my life had to get put on the back burner for a while. I think that’s the part of being a mother that scares people. You have to learn to be selfless. We live in such a selfish and instant gratification society. It’s pathetic how little of ourselves we are willing to give to someone else. Commitment phobias run rampant, whether it be to a career (the average person changes careers 10 times in their life), a relationship (50% of marriages end in divorce), school, a vehicle or house (we buy new ones every 5-7 years) and pretty much anything else.

My parenting “philosophy” consists of meeting Caleb’s needs. That includes his needs for a clean diaper, for play time, for food but it also includes his need to nurse, to be comforted to sleep, and even something as simple as his need to be with his mama. I believe that if I meet these needs when he’s young, they won’t hinder him when he’s older. I know that by showing Caleb a full commitment now he will learn what commitment means. He will be confident in his career and relationships, and everything else that he does in the future. Will he be a perfect adult? Absolutely not. But he will defiantly know what a real commitment looks like.

Do I miss some aspects of my life before Caleb? I don’t usually notice it actually. I enjoy being with Caleb so I don’t often need a “break” from him. I usually just take him with me. Now that he’s getting older I leave him with his Papa or his Oma (my mom), both people that he knows and trusts. I can’t even think of any other sacrifices I’ve made in my life for him. Sure I pee with the door open (and often a toddler on my lap) and cooking dinner takes a little more time than it used to but in the big picture, those amount to very little. The big picture is that my son is happy and healthy and our family has a lot of fun just being together!