Hormones and "Losing it"

So last night I woke up thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, my hormones are getting back to normal. I went through my life and this was about the train of my thoughts: I'm not on antidepressants anymore, that's good.
I'm not on birth control (and don't ever want to go back on the pill!).
I'm not lactating any more (though we're still nursing)...
Yup, I think my hormones are finally getting a chance to get straightened out!
*ponder*
*ponder*
CRAP! I'm pregnant! So much for that theory!!!

It's kind of silly that I was up at 3:30am to go pee (because I'm pregnant and all midnight trips to the bathroom have become routine) and I'm laying there nearly halfway through my pregnancy thinking that I'm finally able to get my hormones back into shape. Isn't being a woman lovely? Especially a woman of childbearing age! I had to have a giggle to myself about my lack of mental capabilities.

So speaking of hormones, mine are still totally out of wack. Not as bad as they were in the first trimester (i.e. I'm not nauseous all morning anymore) but they are still playing a wonderfully annoying role in my life. For example, Caleb is (I don't want to say it for fear of jinxing it!) mostly potty trained. For a long time we just did a bare bum around the house (I have mostly lino so accidents were easy to clean up) so he got used to a certain way of sitting on the potty. Now that he's graduated to underwear and pants/shorts potty time requires a few very distinct steps. The first being my requirement: tuck and hold your knees together. The second is Caleb's: pants and underwear compeltely off. Now this isn't normally a big deal because they usually just fall off when his little legs are dangling off the potty. A few weeks ago though he was wearing sweatpants with the elastic around the ankles. This means his pants did NOT fall off. Apparently this was te biggest deal in the world (at least to him). I, on the other hand, thought he should just suck it up. He kicked and screamed and I finally tore his pants off, threw them at the wall and said (not so kindly and quite loudly), "There, are you happy now?" and walked out of the room....
So apparently my hormones are still playing a role in my parenting! The worst part was that this blow out could have totally been prevented! It was Caleb's naptime (the plan was to pee and nap) so that moved him into the red zone. Since it was Caleb's naptime, that means it was also probably time for me to have a nap as well (red zone for me). Then add in the fact that I knew he wouldn't like having his pants on and I left them on anyway (strike against me) and the fact that sometimes my hormones just get the better of me (another strike against me). So if you count it up, that's one strike agains Caleb, three against me. As mad as I was at him, it wasn't really his fault. He's two for pete's sake. I'm the adult and should have stayed calm. But I didn't. So he peeed (is that how you spell it?) and then I had to apologize to him and show him I loved him. We sat on the couch and he had some milkies and we both had a nice nap. Although I would like to point out that he did mention to me that I shouldn't throw things.

Would you like another example? He was playing with a piece of our windowsill and I told him not too. He pulled his arm back, I told him throwing is not allowed. He threw it anyway. It wacked me right in the nose. I thought for a bit that he broke my nose because all of the sudden I couldn't see straight. Partially due to the blinding pain and partially due to the anger. I yelled at him not to throw things (I try to control my voice level but it's hard sometimes) and picked him up and gently set him in the corner of the couch.... okay, maybe not so gently. And I'm really grateful that he missed getting wacked into the bookshelf as I had him in my arms and turned toward the couch (I didn't see it, I was partially blind remember?). So he's sitting in the couch and I wanted to walk away. I figured though if he could see my emotions (the one of pain) that he might understand that he hurt mommy. So I chose to sit on the (far) opposite end of the couch. I REALLY didn't want to be near him at that point.
I discovered my nose wasn't broken, just bleeding and VERY bruised. Through his own tears he saw mommy crying and saw me bleeding and, after about 5-10 minutes, came over to apologize and give me a hug. I wasn't ready for his hug (still angry) but what could I do when my little toddler comes over saying "tyorry mommy, owie mommy, no throw, tyorry" with his arms open wide? So him and I had a good chat about throwing things. I also had to tell him he couldn't kiss mommy better because it was owie to touch. And the mark on my nose was handy because he would look at it for the next several days and remember what throwing does.
While this was going on, my potatoes boiled over and my meat burned. But Caleb and I were able to have a good heart to heart. Food is replacable, life lessons are not. As much as I wanted to walk away from him because I was so angry, I'm glad that I didn't. Sometimes it's good to show your children emotions (though like I said I'm still working on the raising my voice thing) so that they can learn mommy and daddy have feelings too.
The first incident was totally my hormones. I was thinking the whole time that this is ridiculous and why am I flipping out? The second incident came to be because I was cooking supper and Caleb was hungry and needed my attention. Who knew you could get so angry at and exasperated with such an adorable little being? It's amazing what will happen when both you and your child are both in the "red zone." So why am I telling you all this? First of all, this blog entry made a lot more sense when I wrote it in my head at 3:30am (it had a much better conclusion, but I can't remember it). Second, because sometimes it's good for parents to know that we're not the only ones that get angry and "lose it." There's a line by Julie Andrews in Princess Diaries 2. She plays Queen Clarice and is talking to her granddaughter (Anne Hatheway - Princess Mia) who has a tedancy to get into questionable situations. The line goes like this "As royalty we are held to higher standards. People look up to us. We can't afford to 'lose it.' Other people 'lose it,' we're supposed to find it."
I love that line! (And yes, I have nearly all that movie memorized.) It can apply to parenting too. Our little people look up to us. We need to show them how to deal properly with our emotions so that they can learn to deal with theres. Does this mean we're always going to get it right? Apsolutely not. Does that make you a bad parent? Absolutely not. Good parents fly off the handle sometimes. But a good parent understands that sometimes circumstances led up to a point and we can't blame the children for that (usually involves being tired, hungry, bored/lonely). Other times we can realize that we messed up and in that case, we MUST apologize to our children. It's only fair to treat them with the respect they deserve. Especially if you want them to treat you with the respect you deserve.
So take the time to sit and read a book with them. Or drive the train around the train track 100 times. And make sure that they get the (healthy) food and sleep they need. It will save you a lot of problems. And if you're in the wrong, own up to it. It makes it a lot easier for them to do so as they get older.

A New Topic of Study

Ever since I had Caleb I've been interested in reading books, article, forums any anything else I can find of parenting and breastfeeding. Lately my interest has expanded. I am still reading on all of the above but I've also added reading and research on childbirth and pregnancy to the list. Mostly childbirth since pregnancy seems (to me) pretty straightforward.

I have read on VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean), effects of medication during labour, comparisons of hospital vs home vs unassisted childbirth and much more. And I currently have about 4 thick books sitting on my shelf just waiting for me to dive in! I have no idea how I manage to find time to read about this and can't manage to find time to vacuum or wash dishes lol! I suppose much of my study is done over the breakfast table and while Caleb plays outside (as he's doing right now actually, laptops are wonderful).

The book I'm currently reading is one that I would recommend to any mom giving birth, as well as her support person (often a husband but occasionally a mom friend or sister or mother etc). The only problem that I have found with this book is that my husband doesn't read. Unless it's a car magazine or a manual to some piece of farm machinery of course. So I suppose I have about 6 months to educate him on the whole process of labour and delivery. Yikes!

I'll give you a bit of a cliff notes version of some interesting things that I've learned so far from this book:
1. Amount of dilation is the least reliable indicator of where you are in labour! The reason for this is because you can be at 3 cm for 12 hours and then all of the sudden shoot to 10 cm within a couple hours. Or go to 8 cm within 2 hours and then spend the next 10 hours going from 8 to 10cm. Better indicators include emotional signposts and how far apart and how long the contraction are.

2. There are four different ways to enter the pushing stage (I won't go into detail, if you're interested feel free to look it up yourself, very interesting): a) all the way dilated and an urge to push (this is pretty much the only stage the Drs believe exists, or at least the only "right" stage); b) Hoquet Reflex; All the way dilated with or without and urge to push; c) All the way dilated with no urge to push (this was me! and though Drs think this isn't okay, it totally is); d) Not all the way dilated with a strong urge to push.

3. Protein is really good during pregnancy: it is the key to steady energy and it helps you keep your mood stable (anything to help avoid mood swings is a good thing right?)

4. The use of aspirin has been shown to prolong pregnancy.

Those are just a few of the great tidbits I've been reading about. I can't wait to finish this book and start reading all the other books that I've borrowed. I could probably spend a whole bunch of money on books on childbirth. I am resigned to spending this money instead on buying newborn diapers.... which can also be a very addicting habit!
Anyway, here's a link if you're interested in more information in the book. I just realized I haven't even mentioned the title yet! So here it is: Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, by Susan McCutcheon. Dr. Bradley has also written a book himself called Husband Coached Childbirth but to be honest, I probably won't read it. Because that would mean I'd have to read it out loud to my husband. Not really at the top of my list of things to do :)

So that's some of what's been on my mind lately and I just thought I would share. To those readers who didn't know yet that I was pregnant, well I am. We haven't been "shouting it from the rooftops" because we have been a little gun shy due to a couple of miscarriages. But I'm currently 15 weeks and due around Christmas. It's still a little surreal to us, but then it was the same with Caleb. We are very excited as we've been waiting for and wanting another baby for a long time. And Caleb is excited too. Even though he doesn't really understand there is a baby growing in mommy's tummy yet. He thinks it's growing in his knees..... don't ask, long story!

Flashback to my Cesarean

So last night I had a strange dream. And stranger still, it was one of those dreams that you remember with such clarity that you wonder if it was really a dream at all. In this dream I went to the RD Regional Hospital "Birth Office" (that's how I knew it was a dream because I'm pretty sure that office doesn't actually exist). I sat down with the lady for an "interview" of sorts about my birth experience with the hospital.

What I told her (in my dream) went something like this:
"I was very disappointed with my birth experience with this hospital. I ended up with an unnecessary c-section. Truly. Even my doctor couldn't give me a good reason as to why I had it. My son was in the perfect position, wasn't overly large (6lbs 15oz to be precise), wasn't stuck, wasn't in distress. He just wasn't ready. I didn't appreciate having 10 people in the room trying to "diagnose" me. I didn't need to be diagnosed, I needed to be left alone so I could deliver my son. I didn't appreciate that the one nurse that understood had to leave because her shift was over. I hated being tied to that stupid fetal monitor in the most uncomfortable position. I didn't appreciate being "on the clock" while I was in labour. Apparently it was more important how long I was in the hospital and how long I was 10cm dilated than it was how comfortable I was or how I was feeling. I didn't like that you guys stuck me up to an IV for no good reason the whole time that I was in labour and "forgot" to take it out after I had my son. I hate that my birthing experience with my son was a medical procedure that was being done to me, instead of the natural, empowering journey that it should have been.
Did you know that your hospital had one of the highest c-section rates out of all the hospitals in the province? (Note: not sure if that's entirely true, I know theirs is higher than average but don't actually know where it stands in relation to the rest of the province) I am not satisfied with my birth experience in this hospital and I will recommend to all my friend to avoid giving birth here."

It may have gone on further but this is when I woke up (at 20 to 5am!). I started mulling over this dream and reviewing my birth experience (again) to see if there was anything I missed. I could have said so much more in this "interview." Like how I felt so out of control and that it wasn't fair that no one asked me what I wanted. I was never asked if I wanted the surgery. (I told them "I want it out" and they took that to mean surgery. I meant that I just wanted something to help move it along) Like the fact that despite my son having 9 and 9.5 on his two apgars (10 is perfect but nearly unheard of, so I've been told) they still felt the need to hold him in the neonatal nursery for an hour. The nurse there also felt the need to give him a bottle of formula, despite my instructions that he was not to receive any (my husband stopped her, thankfully). Or what about the fact that I got to see my son, hanging upside down, for about 2 seconds before he was whisked away to be weighed and wrapped all up. I got to touch his cheek, that's all. Or the fact that they pumped me so full of painkillers that I could hardly see straight. Or maybe I could have brought up the fact that the nurses (most of them anyway) wanted nothing more than to separate me from my baby during my whole hospital stay. They would come in and ask if they could take him so I could "get some sleep," or "eat my food" or just generally "have a break." (I only had him for about 2 hours before they thought I might need a break from motherhood!) And whenever they came in to check on him, they would swaddle him and put him into his bassinet. I kept having to unswaddle and pull him into bed so we could snuggle and breastfeed and have skin-to-skin time.

That was my introduction into motherhood. I came home and realized that I loved my son but didn't feel like a mother. Looking back, with the way that I was treated as a medical condition, it's not really a surprise. I felt like I had been through surgery and a hospital stay. I didn't feel like I had gone and had a baby. That part of the experience was very surreal to me and took a long time for me to accept. I asked my doctor at my two week check-up why I had the surgery. He hemmed and hawed for a bit and said "well maybe your pelvis was too small." Did I mention my son was only 6lbs 15oz? (And nearly a pound of that was water weight that he lost in the next day or two). The c-section was out of convenience. It was Sunday afternoon, I had been 10cm dilated since noon. It was 3pm and everyone just wanted me to be done so they could go home. Did you know that most "emergency" c-sections take place on the weekends and holidays? Coincidence?

I have always said the the only reason Caleb didn't come down (he never really dropped, even when I was 10cm) was because he just wasn't ready. It occurred to me this morning that this thought isn't entirely accurate. I think that the reason he didn't come was because I wasn't ready. I just remembered that he shifted at one point and I kind of panicked. I asked if he was coming and what should I do. Nobody told me to relax and that everything would be alright. I tensed up and probably prevented him from moving any further. I was afraid. Being in labour is a time when you really need to focus and connect with your "inner self" (for lack of a better term). If you don't know how to do that and don't have anyone guiding you to that place then It's going to be extremely difficult to deliver your child.

I'm glad that I have been able to learn so much from my experience with Caleb. I'm glad that I forced myself to bond with him, it would have been so easy to stay away and be only half the mother to him that I am now. Here's a few other things that I've learned about labour and delivery in a hospital, things I wish I knew then:
They time you: from the moment you check in you're on the clock. If you're not dilating as fast as they would like they assume something is wrong and (try to) medically intervene.
Fully dilated doesn't mean you have to push: I got to 10cm and they told me to push, so I did. But I never actually had the urge to bear down. Push when you feel the urge and ignore the "coaching" that doctors and nurses give you.
You have 3 hours: from the time that you at 10cm and pushing (which don't always happen at the same time, much to the doctors' dismay, hence the coaching) you only have 3 hours to push your baby out before you are considered "failure to progress" and they assume they need to take medical action.
Your birth plan doesn't mean jack: you can't just write a nice birth plan with your wishes and expect it to be followed. You (or more likely your labour support) will have to be proactive in making sure that you are being heard.
You can always say NO: you can say NO to any intervention they throw your way. You can say NO to the scare tactics they use (I was told "you could push for another 12 hours, this baby's not budging") and you can say NO to having a hundred people in your labour room "observing you" like you're some sort of animal in a zoo.

So my advice to expectant moms is to either avoid the hospital scene altogether by getting a midwife or having an unassisted homebirth, or to get a doula or a "been there done that mom" friend whose views on birth are similar to yours. Someone you trust will stand up for you in the midst of the chaos of the medical system. And if you do have an "unnecesaren" or any kind of traumatic birth experience (read as: bad feelings associated with your birth experience) then talk to someone. Get into a support group or find another mom who has been there and worked through it. And of course, pray pray pray about it. God is an amazing Healer and He won't tell you it's silly to feel the way you do. It's not just about having a healthy baby (although that is important and a great blessing) it's also about having a healthy, happy mama.

Pregnancy Tests

So now that I've got your attention with the title of this entry I'll begin by saying no, this is NOT an announcement. I am NOT expecting. We are still waiting for God to speak to us as to when He would like to introduce another child into our family.

I was just thinking the other day about how exciting it was the first time I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't even late yet but I had taken a test the month before just so I could "try it out," even though I knew I wasn't pregnant. I didn't think I was either. I was due for AF in a couple days and went to the drugstore to buy "supplies." While standing there I decided to buy a test too. It was cheaper to ge the 2 for 1 box, so I did. I had been at the office all morning and then doing errands most of the afternoon so I REALLY had to go. Then I figured, "why not? There's two tests anyway." So I took the test and I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat when it turned out to be positive!

It was a very strange hour waiting for Adam to get home from work so I could share the news with him. When he finally did, he looked at the test (I actually giftwrapped it for him lol) and asked, "What's this?"
Me: "It's a pregnancy test."
HIm: "Yeah, I know that. But why are you showing it to me?"
Me: "Two lines means I'm pregnant!"
Him: "Well, yeah... but there's barely a line there."
Me: "Yes honey, I'm barely pregnant."

It would have been fine if it ended there. But this went on for a while. Here's about what happened...
Him: "Are you sure?"
Me: "A line is a line is a line."
Him: "It's still not really a line though."
Me: "Would you like me to take another one?"
Him: no response

He thought about it for a while. I started talking about the baby and what it would mean. I also made the mistake of trying to get him to talk names with me. He wasn't really into that. Once sufficient time had passed, I took the other test (I figured there's no point in saving it because I wouldn't need it next month anyway). Same thing, two lines! Adam was still a little unsure. So the next day (I think it was his day off) I went and bought a digital pregnancy test. You know the kind, they're like a magic 8 ball. You ask it if you're pregnant, you pee on it, and it tells you Yes or No. There's not maybe answer. I took it as soon as I got home and showed Adam. I think that was when the reality set in. You can't argue with a stick that says "yes, your wife is pregnant and you're going to be a dad!"

Unfortunaly for us, our little girl (I say girl because of a gut feeling I had right from the beginning) finished her mission on earth too quickly and we said goodbye to her when I was 8.5 weeks along. My doctor told me that it was a clean miscarriage and that I wouldn't need any procedures or anything. He gave us the green light to try again. I wanted to wait but Adam wanted to try again. So we figured we would wait till my next AF and go from there.

Not quite a month later I thought that I may have ovulated again (I was temping to track it). We went on a vacation with Adam's family (the first va-k to BC I ever went on with them!) and I took my trusty 2 for the price of 1 pregnancy tests. We stayed a couple extra days after his family had left and I took the test shortly after they did. It was positive! So of course I grabbed the camera :) I told Adam later that evening as we were on a golf course overlooking Mara Lake. He didn't doubt me this time lol! I took the second test too, just because it's way more fun to get positive results than negative ones and it's so much fun watching those two little lines develop.

So anyway, now that I've had a bit of a walk down memory lane, I'll fill you in on why I started thinking about pregnancy tests to begin with. Adam and I were in the kitchen and I saw something that reminded me of all this. I don't know if you've ever taking a pregnancy test but the whole "pee on a stick" thing sounds messy and gross to me. I found that it was way easier to pee in a cup and dip the stick in. I told this to Adam and the look on his face was absolutly priceless! I think that everyone reading this knows what was going through his mind at that moment:
Which cup?