A Confession

I have seriously neglected my blog. My apologies to those of you who enjoy reading it and have missed my posts.

A quick update: We're still farming and it's a lot of work but it's a great lifestyle. My business of sewing ring slings and various other baby related goods is taking off and I love having a creative outlet. Caleb is the most amazing 3 year old I could ever ask for and constantly keeps us entertained with his interesting use/timing of the question "why." Isaac is nearly 9 months old and makes the funniest yucky faces when I try to feed him anything other than breastmilk. He will sometimes feed himself a piece or two of puffed wheat but he's made it very clear that he's not ready for solids yet. He is ridiculously funny with the noises he makes and the reactions he has to certain situations.

Here is my confession:
For some reason this is very tough for me to say. I understand that I'm not to blame or anything but I still feel like I should be able to handle it:

Isaac is a high needs baby.

I used to think that Caleb maybe showed signs of being high need but read that if you're unsure as to whether your baby is "high need" or not, he probably isn't. With Isaac I am sure. I've been in denial for a long time about it (which really has not helped at all) but I'm (sort of) ready to admit it now. If you want more information on what exactly a high need baby is, Dr. Sears has a great article entitled: 12 Features of a High Need Baby
After I had Caleb I tried to stop judging other mothers by the behaviour of their children. I won't say that I never judged but I always tried to remind myself that I didn't know the mother or her situation or the baby's personality. I hope that other mothers I meet will now will extend me the same courtesy.

When you see me bouncing my baby in the sling during the church service, it's because nearly constant motion is one of his needs.
When you wonder why he has never had a bottle, it is because exclusively breastfeeding is one of his needs.
If you wonder why I pick him up the instant he even shows the slightest signs of fussing while playing on his own, it is because his slight fussing quickly escalates into full out screaming unless I meet his need.
If you are disappointed if I take him out of your arms when he starts making a certain noise, I'm sorry you didn't get to hold my cutie-pie as long as you would have liked, but I want to avoid the potential meltdown that he is setting himself up for.
If you are waiting for an invitation to visit or have a play date, I have not forgotten about you. Most days I'm so distracted by the things I actually remember and am able to find time to do that I think about calling you late a night or right when I'm about to start cooking supper. My house does not have a lot of phone call friendly moments. Plus there is the fact that I would rather stay home most days because it's much simpler for Isaac to get the combination of rest and stimulation he needs.
If I look like I haven't showered for a week, I probably haven't. It's not because I don't care about my appearance, It's most likely that I have forgotton. I think that most moms with little ones underfoot can relate to that. I also have the added bonus of knowing that most evenings Isaac is at his wits end so I know he will need me the whole time I'm in the shower so I choose the keep him content because I can always shower another time.

I tell you all of this because I want to make people aware of what my life (and that of any parent with a high need baby) is like. It's hard. I won't beat around the bush with saying it's not. Isaac is nearly 9 months old and we're still getting to know him. Just when I feel like we are starting to get things figured out, he changes. It helps a lot with accepting him for who he is by realizing that it's just his personality. It's not because I "spoil" him by carrying him to much or nursing on cue. I'm not overreacting when I respond to the first sign of him fussing.

Let me tell you some amazing things about my littlest one. Partially for you to see that I truly do love him like no other and partially for my own bebefit as we've added teething and a cold to our dealings with him.

I know that all moms think their kids are the cutest ever but Isaac is stinkin' adorable. He's got the perfect haistyle. Looks like a little buzz cut and it has the slightest tinge of red in it. His eyes really betray his emotions. Super bright when he's studying something and quick to tears when he's upset. When he laughs you know that it's coming from the deepest part of who he is and it ripples through his whole little body. He has the greatest thunder thighs and ghetto booty ever. If you've seen it you know exactly what I'm talking about. He has the softest, most perfect, pudgy baby feet and he knows how to use them. I'm not talking walking (though he's quickly learning that skill) but I'm talking about grabbing. He was probably about 3 months old when he learned that his toes can grab things.
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I wrote this post about 2 months ago and never got around to finishing it. I decided to post this "as is" and finish up telling you how incredible Isaac is in my next post. For now, to those parents of HN babies: time is a wonderful thing!

Wow, It's been Ages!

I haven't posted for quite some some. And I haven't posted regularly for even longer. It seems that life has started to sneak away on me. The last part of my pregnancy was very difficult. I was in a lot of pain and tried to just keep my life rolling along until I had the baby and didn't have to be pregnant anymore. It's sad that such a beautiful part of my life was spent with my just wishing it to be done. But it is done and I feel much better. Well.... some days I do.

Since having Isaac I've had the flu (for the first time in like 4 years) and then Isaac ended up in the hospital for a night at 11 days old. (He had a cold and was having trouble breathing so they wanted to keep him/us for observation to make sure it didn't get worse. Which it didn't. In fact it greatly improved overnight and we still had to BEG them to let us leave. Which we finally just decided that we were going to do anyway.) Then it seems like I had a colicky baby. I truly believe that he was just disorganized after having so much stuff going on with him and around him after being born that he just needed to get this whole life on the outside thing figured out.

Things were finally going really smoothly when I slipped on the ice. Twice in one day. The first time was carrying Isaac in the sling and the second time was carrying Caleb in my arms (I had left Isaac with a friend and was going to pull the car around to pick him up so I didn't fall on the ice with him again.) Normally this wouldn't result in anything but a few bruises but, with my body still recovering from the birth, I woke up the next morning and could barely move. I could barely pick up Isaac. And then we had to pack out bags and go on a last minute trip to Ontario for Adam's Grandpa's funeral. Thankfully we had Adam's sister travelling with us so she helped carry luggage and kids. And on the flight over, Caleb got sick. I thought it might just be motion sickness but he ended up spending most of the time in ON with a terrible fever. So I missed the Wake to take care of the boys. Praise the Lord for the miracle of my back feeling much better so I could actually carry Isaac a bit. God knew that I needed to be strong for my boys (all three of them as Adam was going through a lot with the loss of Grandpa and all) so my back didn't start hurting a lot again until the day we flew home.

So fast forward a few weeks and a few chiropractor appointments. We bought new couches! Yay!! I tried to help Adam move the new couches into our house.... bad idea :( I injured my back even more. the next day was the most painful chiropractor adjustment I've ever experienced. Took my breath away. Literally. I couldn't breathe properly. Sat in the waiting room afterwards until I could muster up enough strength to carry the car seat and buckle the kids into the car. Caleb has gotten to know our chiropractor quite well over the last weeks!

Currently my back is definitely on the mend. It's still sore and the chiro popped my "floating rib" back into place yesterday but I think it's out again this morning. I don't think it's inflamed anymore so that's a bonus. And it's mostly just sore in the evening after a busy day. Adam has forced me to take it easy the last while though. Adam has also helped me catch up on some housework that I have been unable to do with having two little ones and my sore back to deal with. Yay for an awesome and understanding husband!

My prayers about Isaac have been answered and he's feeling much better about the world we live in. He's such a sweet little dude. Still knows how to scream like nothing else if you don't meet his needs but overall he's a content little rascal. He's 4 months old and has (EEK!) started crawling. No I'm not exaggerating. The kid army crawls, slowly but surely. He can also hold himself in the sitting position for a second. Not great at balancing yet though. I should really take a picture so you believe me. I have one determined little baby and he's such a joy to have around.

Caleb turned 3. I now have a preschooler. One who, just yesterday, accepted Jesus into his heart! We were driving in the car (to the chiropractor) and listening to a song about Jesus standing at the door and knocking and if you open the door He will come in. After the song was over Caleb says to me, "I love God."
Me: I love Him too buddy.
Caleb: I love Jesus too.
Me: That's good.
Caleb: I want Jesus to live in my heart.
Me: Really? Have you asked Him?
Caleb: No.
Me: Well you should ask Jesus to come live in your heart.
Caleb: Okay. Jesus will you please come to live in my heart?
Me: *tearing up in the front seat* That's awesome Caleb. Now Jesus will live in your heart forever!

An update on Adam is pretty simple. He's still milking cows and he's still playing WoW. That's his life in a nutshell!

I, on the other hand, have officially had to quit gaming. I used to play with Adam and it was a lot of fun but I just don't have the time to commit to it anymore. Instead I've started sewing again. I always enjoyed sewing but haven't been able to work it into my life until recently. I've started sewing ring sling which I LOVE doing except I've discovered it's not quite as easy as it looks. But I've got a design worked out and materials bought and a few sewn already so all the research I put into it was worth it. I'm also sewing potty training undies for kids and might expand my horizons into other things in the future. I'm trying not to take too much stuff on to myself as I still have a family to look after and just need to play things by ear. Oh, except I also have a plan to make Caleb and Isaac a blanket with minky cow on one side and black satin on the other. Hoping to monogram them too so they can tell whose is whose. They're going to be super cute! If UPS ever delivers my fabric....

Anyway, I hope that's helped catch some people up on my life for the last while. My birth story has been published in "Birth Issues" magazine and I'm looking for the link so that I can link it in my blog so yo can all read it. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself :)

Baby News!

Just a quick note to those who haven't heard yet. I had the baby!
Isaac was born Dec 23rd at 12:51pm after about 3.5 hours of labour. He was born at home in a pool in my living room. Caught by my friend Megan while Caleb cheered in the background and Adam held me close. It was an amazing an beautiful labour and birth and I'm in the process of writing up my birth story and will post it as soon as it's done. Oh, he was 6lbs and 10oz and 20 inches long. Just 5oz smaller than his big brother. Caleb is so affectionate with his brother and Isaac is already turning into a little pork chop :)
I'm feeling really well except for the fact that I got a nasty 24hr flu bug yesterday. Caleb spend the day at my moms while I went between the couch and toilet with a newborn in one hand and a bucket in the other. So grateful for the wonderful support that I have around me. I can't thank my mom and Adam enough for taking care of me! I'm still a little nauseous today but compared to yesterday I'm feeling way better.
I don't have any pictures on my computer yet so I can't upload any of Isaac but I will post some with my birth story. But now Caleb has woke up from his ridiculously short nap so he's needing some extra hugs. He has come down with a nasty cold, the poor little guy. Thankfully he's the only one with the cold and he has avoided the flu bug.

Baby Steps to a Better Life

I just read a really inspirational post on trying to "do it all." I came across this mama's blog a while back and she had some very similar ideas about lifestyle that I do. She called her post "The Impossible is Possible."

There are some really terrific women in my life who seem to have it all together. They eat the the right kinds of foods (unprocessed, whole ingredients, made from scratch etc) and homeschool their children, exercise regularly, volunteer, garden, keep a clean house, spend personal time studying Scripture, run a business, do "crafty" things, and still have time for playdates and husbands! I am so far from being organized (or energetic) enough to do even half of that. I know that these women didn't accomplish this all overnight. But I have still looked at them and thought "I wish I could do that." I have tried to stop saying things like that. I don't want to "wish away" chunks of my life. I want to be content where I'm at in life and enjoy each stage of life that I go through.

I love the saying that we are a work in progress. That's totally how I feel. And it's kind of great knowing that the Lord's not done with me yet. I don't have to feel like I've "arrived" because, until I get to heaven or the Jesus comes again, I haven't arrived. I still on the journey. So I reflected a bit last week on how I've grown in mostly intangible ways and I want to take a bit of time this week to talk about some of the steps that we've made toward the lifestyle we feel called to.

Over the last few years a BIG change we have made is in our diets. We used to buy a lot of premade meals (I didn't cook a lot) and processed snacks. I now cook most of the time (I still throw in a frozen lasagna once in a while) and try to make sure that those meals are well-balanced (i.e. enough veggies). Our snacks usually consist of crackers n cheese, or fresh fruit, or yogurt, or homemade (healthy) muffins or cookies. We also only do whole wheat bread and pastas. It was much easier for us to get motivated to eat healthier when Caleb started eating more with us. I really don't want his little body to get filled up with junk. I want to give his body things that are more natural and flow through his system without clogging arteries or filling him up with foods that have empty calories. I want him to learn to take pride in the body that God has blessed him with. In order to do that, we need to do it ourselves. That doesn't mean that we don't EVER have chips or cake (remember the apple pie I mentioned last week?). It just means that we choose not to keep that kind of stuff in the house on a regular basis. Adam and I are also learning to take better care of our bodies and we feel much better for it. It's amazing how a couple of eggs, whole wheat toast, homemade hashbrowns and a glass of milk make you feel for the rest of the morning! And then something as simple as spaghetti with whole wheat noodles and ground beef and tomato sauce with corn or carrots mixed in makes for a delicious healthy dinner.

Another change that we made was the switch to cloth diapers. I originally thought about doing cloth right from the time that Caleb was born. But I never got around to it. And when I signed off my business when he was about 10 or 11 months old my reward was to switch to cloth. It felt like a LOT of work at first but I was so passionate about the switch and since I used it as a "reward" to officially closing my business it was a lot more fun. Plus I was able to focus on the cute diapers that you can get when you do cloth and the fact that we were saving money and saving the environment... it was just a very exciting time. Next step is to hang my diapers to dry instead of putting them in the washer. My baby step toward this is to hang Caleb's nighttime diapers. He only has about 6 or 7 a week that I wash and need to hang up so it's very easy to take the few minutes to do so. When the newborn comes in a couple of months it will be more like 20 diapers every other day that I will need to hang. But I can still do baby steps and choose to hang them even once a week, or once a month if that's all I can manage. At least it will be a step closer to my goal.

Another accomplishment that I feel really good about is some volunteer work that I've had the opportunity to do. I get to support other mothers and even though it's really only a couple days a month that I put in regularly, it's great knowing that every little bit counts.

I have a list of 4 items that I want to plant in a garden next spring. I would love to have TONNES more but I feel like I can handle 4. Over the winter I'm planning to read about how to grow these items and how to prepare the soil etc. And I'm going to get Adam involved too (he can do more of the manual labour) and I know that Caleb will just have a blast finding out how seeds grow. Caleb already loves the dirt so it will be a really fun family project to do together. That's the way I'm looking at it. If I think about all the work involved and all the things I want to plant in the future then I will get overwhelmed. But a 4 item garden next year is better than no garden this year.

I've also read a lot about homeschooling and talked to a number of moms I know that have homeschooled or are currently homeschooling about how to start off with a toddler. It's very exciting that Caleb is getting old enough to "learn." But then I have to remind myself that he's been learning so much all of his life. Adam was always supportive of "my decision" to homeschool but it's been really great to see him not only support me but become pretty passionate about the topic himself. That's a huge step forward. I would love to buy a really great preschooler curriculum for Caleb right now and dive right in. But in reality he's 2 and a half! I do have somewhat of a more relaxed game plan for him over the course of the next year. A large part of which consists of going to the library regularly. He LOVES to be read too and will often sit on the floor with a book and "read" to himself. He was actually finding letters on the cracker box on the way home from groceries today. ("F, F, F, bigger F, where's Q? S, *sss*, *sss*, BOOM!" In addition to the library we walk around the farm and just talk about the animals and the plants and we talked a lot about harvesting. We've been talking about babies and birth a lot. Next spring we'll talk about gardening and where fruits and veggies come from. It'll just be living life. Way simpler than a full curriculum!

Another change was getting rid of cleaning chemicals. I'm not really one to put a "plug" in for a particular product but I would just like to say that I LOVE Norwex. I know that there are other great companies out there who sell similar stuff but my favorite thing is the antibacterial clothes. They came in especially handy when Caleb was potty training. I could just wipe up the mess (pee anyway), rinse the rag, and hang it up ready to use for next time. I also love them for when he was a newborn and I dropped a toy on the mall floor. I could just take my rag out, wipe it up, and know that it was clean. Plus they're still super soft but grippy enough to use when he's got jam or peanut butter or spaghetti sauce all over his face.

I have a number of other things that I would love to do with my time but for now I am just taking it day by day. I'm so thankful for the strength and guidance the Lord has given me so far and I know that He will continue to guide our steps towards living a healthier, simpler lifestyle. So that was a little longer than I intended but I hope that you enjoyed reading about some positive things. Like Kelli mentions in her post, there are many areas that I need to work on but I'm trying to be the kind of mom God wants me to be and live the life I'm called to live!

Feel free to leave a comment either here or on my facebook with some of the positive changes that you've made to your life in the last few years :)

Reflections

As I am enjoying some quiet time while Caleb is napping I realized that I'm quite bored right now. Sure there are plenty of things that I could be doing. Well... most of it consists of different aspects of housework. Instead I'm sitting here eating my second piece of pie (and last because it's all gone now) and reflecting a bit over the last year. I realized that I've had this blog for a whole year now! And what a year it has been.

I've learned so much about myself and my family. Did you know that raising a toddler is a lot more "work" than a newborn is? A newborn's needs are (usually) easily filled (diaper, snuggles, nursing). A toddler is mobile and has opinions and is essentially a little person, minus the logic and reasoning skills that adults have. (Or should have?) Watching Caleb put his boots and coat on to play in his sandbox is absolutely incredible. It's amazing how independent he can be. But then he gets tired and cold and still needs his mama right there too. He's super excited when I wake him up to go to Little Lambs (a children's story hour at my church) but then needs me to sit with him for 5-10 minutes before he's comfortable enough for me to leave. I really enjoy reading to Caleb (which we do a LOT these days) and doing puzzles and baking with him. I love that he wants to go out to work with his Papa as often as he can. I love that he wanted to follow his Opa & Oma (my parents) back to their place when they came by to tell me happy birthday. It's amazing to watch Caleb's vocabulary take off and see his interests expand and develop.

I've learned that my purpose right now is to create a safe and loving home environment for my family. It was very hard for me when I gave up my career to stay at home but I certainly don't regret it. I love being able to build my life around my family instead of trying to fit my family into my life. I've become a lot more content with my role as a SAHM. I'm still not keen on the cooking and cleaning end of things but I try to remind myself that those things are a way of serving my family. It helps that Adam doesn't mind having spaghetti at least once a week as long as I throw in an evening of shake n bake chicken once in a while.

I've spent the last year doing a lot of reading and learning about birth and breastfeeding as well as homeschooling. It's been fascinating to find out all of this neat stuff that I get to apply to my family's life. And it's been great to see Adam become more and more excited about homeschooling too. He was always supportive but excitement about it is even better.

Caleb and I have made some great friends over the last year and had tonnes of playdates. He's starting to get better with sharing and he not only remembers his friend but is finally saying their names. It's awesome to be able to to tell him which friend we are going to visit and he gets excited to play with them. He even recognizes vehicles when they pull up in the yard! Though I have learned to not mention the playdate until right before we leave or right before they arrive. Saves us the heartache if plans change or if he skips his nap out of excitement.

The impending arrival of our new little one is coming. I actually have a frozen meal in my freezer (which is more than I had with Caleb) so hopefully I can get some more made so we don't starve. We are still trying to figure out sleeping arrangements as Caleb is still pretty keen on snuggling really close to me at night. He also still likes to nurse down so it will be interesting to see how those things will need to be adjusted when there's a newborn in the bed too. My hope is that Caleb will snuggle more with his Papa instead of me. We've also been talking about how babies need lots of diapers (to which Caleb replies that he doesn't need diapers because he's a big boy) and that they need lots of "milkies." Caleb is usually pretty good with saying he will share milkies with the new baby so that's a very good thin. He also hugs my belly and says "hi" to the baby. I'm in the process of making a book for him on his entrance into the world with my digital scrapbooking program. I still have a lot more work to do on it though so I will really need to make the effort to get it done by Christmas.

I think that Caleb is about to wake up now though (I can hear his breath change in the monitor right now) so that's all for now folks! Happy Birthday to me and Yay! for a whole year of blogging!

Thoughts for the Future

A few of you know that I have been thinking/planning to homeschool my child(ren) instead of sending them to public or private school. Through my life I've attended public schools, Christian schools, as well as homeschooled for a couple of years. I will be honost and say that I did well in all 3 systems. I think that school was something that I always enjoyed. Perhaps it's because my dad was a teacher and he instilled a love of learning in me so that I was always eager to pick up a new book and read. Perhaps it's just because I learn very easily in the way that the school systems teach. You pick up a book, you read it, you take some notes, then you write a test. For me this was always very straightforward and simple to understand. Not that I always go the best grades, mind you, but at least I never really believed that I was "stupid" or "didn't read well" or worse, "didn't learn quick enough." Those are all phrases I've heard people close to me say actually.

Since I had pretty good experiences in all three systems, what would cause the big urge in me to homeschool instead of make use of the public/private system?

I came across a website that made me think about my reasons for wanting to homeschool and actually put them on paper. This was an awesome experience for me to go through because not only did it make me evaluate my reasoning (part of it is because I just can't stand the thought of sending my children away from me for 8 hours a day, I want to spend that time with them instead) and expand on that. It was also good for Adam to see what some of the reasons were. He was a little more skeptical of the whole "homeschooling thing" because he only ever experienced going to a Christian school (the same one actually) for all of his education.

So anyway, here's my thoughts that I put on paper as I followed the outline on the aforementioned website. Keep in mind that these are a rough draft and unedited. I realized as I read through them again that some of the wording is awkward but it's quite late now and I don't feel like editing them so I'm just going to type them as I wrote them several months ago :

My Educational Beliefs
1. I believe children should love learning.
2. I believe a parent's main education to a child should be to teach him/her to:
a) Love God wholeheartedly
b) Love others as they love themselves
c) Love him/herself (confidence/self-esteem)
3. I believe all children learn by different methods and learning should be tailored to suit the child (not vice versa)
4. I believe children are naturally curious and should not be discouraged from pursing those interests.
5. I believe education should not be resitricted to a certain subject or method.
6. I believe a parent/teacher should only ever have enthusiasm about a child learning, not disappointment over what they haven't learned.

Life Goals for My Child
1. I hope he learns to listen to his Heavently Father in all things.
2. I hope he shows commitment to what he starts and is a man of his words.
3. I hope he becomes a wonderful, loving, involved husband and father (if God leads him that way).
4. I hope he does everything to his best ability.
5. A man of impeccable morals and ethics, I hope he always does the right thing, no matter what others do.
6. I hope he takes care of the mind and body God has given him.
7. I hope he is not afraid to be who God made him to be. Not ashamed of who he is.

Why we are going to homeschool our children
1. No one has a better vested interes in thier education than we do.
2. To give us flexibility of time to pursue life instead of grades.
3. To stay close to our children - emotionally, mentally, and physically.
4. To take the money we could spend on school and use it for education instead.
5. To be the favorite and respected teacher that they think about when they grow up.
6. Because I want my kids to learn in a way they enjoy.
7. Because kids learn better/more if they are not restricted by graces/curriculum.
8. Because I will not allow anyone to tell or make my child feel stupid.
9. My children will learn with, intereact with, and appreciate children in all age groups.
10. So we can learn right alongside our children.
11. Our school systems sucks.
12. To know what our children are learning.

Flashback to my Cesarean

So last night I had a strange dream. And stranger still, it was one of those dreams that you remember with such clarity that you wonder if it was really a dream at all. In this dream I went to the RD Regional Hospital "Birth Office" (that's how I knew it was a dream because I'm pretty sure that office doesn't actually exist). I sat down with the lady for an "interview" of sorts about my birth experience with the hospital.

What I told her (in my dream) went something like this:
"I was very disappointed with my birth experience with this hospital. I ended up with an unnecessary c-section. Truly. Even my doctor couldn't give me a good reason as to why I had it. My son was in the perfect position, wasn't overly large (6lbs 15oz to be precise), wasn't stuck, wasn't in distress. He just wasn't ready. I didn't appreciate having 10 people in the room trying to "diagnose" me. I didn't need to be diagnosed, I needed to be left alone so I could deliver my son. I didn't appreciate that the one nurse that understood had to leave because her shift was over. I hated being tied to that stupid fetal monitor in the most uncomfortable position. I didn't appreciate being "on the clock" while I was in labour. Apparently it was more important how long I was in the hospital and how long I was 10cm dilated than it was how comfortable I was or how I was feeling. I didn't like that you guys stuck me up to an IV for no good reason the whole time that I was in labour and "forgot" to take it out after I had my son. I hate that my birthing experience with my son was a medical procedure that was being done to me, instead of the natural, empowering journey that it should have been.
Did you know that your hospital had one of the highest c-section rates out of all the hospitals in the province? (Note: not sure if that's entirely true, I know theirs is higher than average but don't actually know where it stands in relation to the rest of the province) I am not satisfied with my birth experience in this hospital and I will recommend to all my friend to avoid giving birth here."

It may have gone on further but this is when I woke up (at 20 to 5am!). I started mulling over this dream and reviewing my birth experience (again) to see if there was anything I missed. I could have said so much more in this "interview." Like how I felt so out of control and that it wasn't fair that no one asked me what I wanted. I was never asked if I wanted the surgery. (I told them "I want it out" and they took that to mean surgery. I meant that I just wanted something to help move it along) Like the fact that despite my son having 9 and 9.5 on his two apgars (10 is perfect but nearly unheard of, so I've been told) they still felt the need to hold him in the neonatal nursery for an hour. The nurse there also felt the need to give him a bottle of formula, despite my instructions that he was not to receive any (my husband stopped her, thankfully). Or what about the fact that I got to see my son, hanging upside down, for about 2 seconds before he was whisked away to be weighed and wrapped all up. I got to touch his cheek, that's all. Or the fact that they pumped me so full of painkillers that I could hardly see straight. Or maybe I could have brought up the fact that the nurses (most of them anyway) wanted nothing more than to separate me from my baby during my whole hospital stay. They would come in and ask if they could take him so I could "get some sleep," or "eat my food" or just generally "have a break." (I only had him for about 2 hours before they thought I might need a break from motherhood!) And whenever they came in to check on him, they would swaddle him and put him into his bassinet. I kept having to unswaddle and pull him into bed so we could snuggle and breastfeed and have skin-to-skin time.

That was my introduction into motherhood. I came home and realized that I loved my son but didn't feel like a mother. Looking back, with the way that I was treated as a medical condition, it's not really a surprise. I felt like I had been through surgery and a hospital stay. I didn't feel like I had gone and had a baby. That part of the experience was very surreal to me and took a long time for me to accept. I asked my doctor at my two week check-up why I had the surgery. He hemmed and hawed for a bit and said "well maybe your pelvis was too small." Did I mention my son was only 6lbs 15oz? (And nearly a pound of that was water weight that he lost in the next day or two). The c-section was out of convenience. It was Sunday afternoon, I had been 10cm dilated since noon. It was 3pm and everyone just wanted me to be done so they could go home. Did you know that most "emergency" c-sections take place on the weekends and holidays? Coincidence?

I have always said the the only reason Caleb didn't come down (he never really dropped, even when I was 10cm) was because he just wasn't ready. It occurred to me this morning that this thought isn't entirely accurate. I think that the reason he didn't come was because I wasn't ready. I just remembered that he shifted at one point and I kind of panicked. I asked if he was coming and what should I do. Nobody told me to relax and that everything would be alright. I tensed up and probably prevented him from moving any further. I was afraid. Being in labour is a time when you really need to focus and connect with your "inner self" (for lack of a better term). If you don't know how to do that and don't have anyone guiding you to that place then It's going to be extremely difficult to deliver your child.

I'm glad that I have been able to learn so much from my experience with Caleb. I'm glad that I forced myself to bond with him, it would have been so easy to stay away and be only half the mother to him that I am now. Here's a few other things that I've learned about labour and delivery in a hospital, things I wish I knew then:
They time you: from the moment you check in you're on the clock. If you're not dilating as fast as they would like they assume something is wrong and (try to) medically intervene.
Fully dilated doesn't mean you have to push: I got to 10cm and they told me to push, so I did. But I never actually had the urge to bear down. Push when you feel the urge and ignore the "coaching" that doctors and nurses give you.
You have 3 hours: from the time that you at 10cm and pushing (which don't always happen at the same time, much to the doctors' dismay, hence the coaching) you only have 3 hours to push your baby out before you are considered "failure to progress" and they assume they need to take medical action.
Your birth plan doesn't mean jack: you can't just write a nice birth plan with your wishes and expect it to be followed. You (or more likely your labour support) will have to be proactive in making sure that you are being heard.
You can always say NO: you can say NO to any intervention they throw your way. You can say NO to the scare tactics they use (I was told "you could push for another 12 hours, this baby's not budging") and you can say NO to having a hundred people in your labour room "observing you" like you're some sort of animal in a zoo.

So my advice to expectant moms is to either avoid the hospital scene altogether by getting a midwife or having an unassisted homebirth, or to get a doula or a "been there done that mom" friend whose views on birth are similar to yours. Someone you trust will stand up for you in the midst of the chaos of the medical system. And if you do have an "unnecesaren" or any kind of traumatic birth experience (read as: bad feelings associated with your birth experience) then talk to someone. Get into a support group or find another mom who has been there and worked through it. And of course, pray pray pray about it. God is an amazing Healer and He won't tell you it's silly to feel the way you do. It's not just about having a healthy baby (although that is important and a great blessing) it's also about having a healthy, happy mama.

No Longer a Baby! - Update Post

First off I would like apologize for my lack of posting these last few weeks. It's been a crazy time for us lately. I figure I should take some time to fill you in on some of what has been going on.

One of the "recent events" in my life has occured over a link to a video trailer that I posted on my Facebook page. The documentary is about the influence of the overuse of infant formulas in America. I shared it on my Facebook because I have several friends who would be interested in the education a video/website like that could provide. I also wanted to get more information about the video and how would I be able to see the rest of it.
Some of my breastfeeding friends liked the link (one even knows the author and is getting more informaiton for me about it!) and the information that the video trailer presented. Some of the formula feeding mothers on my friends list agreed that it was an important topic to educate ourselves and talk about. Some were posted directly on my "wall" while a couple were sent as private messages to me.
Unfortunatly, I also recieved some pretty judgemental comments about it. The biggest acusation I recieved was that by posting that link I accused all formula feeding mothers that they are terrible mothers. Now if you watch the link, this video does not say anything about formula feeding mothers being inferior or breastfeeding mothers being superior. My main thought is, did these women even listen to what was said? Or did I just get comments out of their self-defense, perhaps due to their own securities?
In perfect honosty, I would like to say that those comments didn't bother me. But they did. Mostly in the sense that I felt like I was torn down for something I never said or did. I felt attacked for an opinion that I don't hold. I also feel sorry for the mothers who made them because they are obviously already on the defensive about the decisions they made. The video likely just triggered an already existent negative emotional reaction that was, unfortunatly, directed towards me. If you make a decision for the good of your children then you shouldn't let anyone make you feel bad about them.

Now that I've covered something which has been weighing heavily on my mind for quite some time, I'll move on to more cheery topics. The first one: I dejunked!!! We have (technically) a 5 bedroom home. One of those is our office, one is our bedroom, one has functioned as the "diaper room," and the other two have be basically filled with junk. Caleb and I have finally gotten to the point that we are starting to sleep better with some distance in between us so it was decided for him to actually have his very own bedroom. This meant that at least one of the junk rooms needed to be cleared out. I'm not one to go halfway on a project like that though, so I went storage bin shopping (with my sister, because who wants to buy storage bins solo?) and twisted my husbands arm to help me sort, discard, and store everything. We also recieved and bought some furniture from a friend who is moving and was dejunking as well.
The main floor now has a room for (and shelves/bins) for nearly all of Caleb's toys, books, and craft items (and his craft table), as well as a table for my sewing machine and supplies, and a desk where I can study my parenting and breastfeeding books, Scripture and journal/write. This is quite an accomlishement because the room actually still has floor space for Caleb's train track (his birthday gift from Adam and I) and the whole room is only approx 10.5' by 8.5' (at it's widest points). His bedroom now has his double bed, dressers and a night stand and we were able to keep a separate diaper room with the change table and comfy chair. It was a LOT of work but it was totally worth it! Caleb is currently napping in his new bed. I think it is about the 3rd or 4th time he has done so. I tried to nurse him down in it last night with the plan for us to spend the night there. Caleb had other plans though and nursed his fill, got up, and dragged me by the hand to crawl into bed with daddy :) So I guess he's not quite ready to give up sleeping with us yet, but at least he knows that he has his very own bed for when he's ready.
The best part of my dejunking story: I took a "before" picture of the rooms. Then we worked like busy bees for a couple weeks. When I planned to take the "after" picture my camera was no where to be found. I'm seriously hoping it's not in a storage bin!

My final part of this update is the fact that my little baby is no longer that. He's officially 2 whole years old! We had a really great party with family and a few friends on Sunday. It was a great day for him. He got spoiled rotton and loved every minute of it. In fact, he enjoyed opening the gifts so much that the next day he was putting all his toys back in the boxes to take them out again! He had a blast with his family and little friends who gave him everything from loaders, to a boy doll, to clothes and even one of those Cozy Coupes that he's had his eye on for the last couple of years. We haven't had a lot of the "fancier" toys for him so this birthday it was pretty neat to see his appreciation for his new toys. He's also at an age where he plays with ALL OF THEM. My personal favorie gift that he recieved is a Toddler Learning Kit. The friends who gave it to him/me told me it was to help with my endevours with homeschooling. It's pretty great because it has tips and tools to teach numbers, letters, colours, and shapes. Caleb is going to be sooooo smart! Or at least his mama is going to have a lot of fun over the next year playing "teacher."

So Caleb's birthday party was on Sunday. I had been suffereing from fatigue for several weeks and headaches for several days prior. I should have taken that as a sign. But I ignored it. BAD IDEA! I woke up Sunday morning with chills, body aches, and a monstor headache (previously the headaches started late afternoon to evening). In short, I felt like I got his by a mack truck. I was debating about whether or not I should postpone Caleb's party but cleaned up a bit and prepared the house. Then I figured I would nap for an hour before people came. I woke up from my nap and realized something. I was not coming down with the flu like I originally though. I actually had mastitis. Before the nap I actually felt better. After the nap, add in an inflamed/infected breast to the mack truck. But by this point it was nearly time for people to start arriving so I had no time to cancel the party.
The cure for mastitis is to rest/sleep all day and nurse nurse nurse. I had no opportunity to do either on Sunday. I though for sure that I was going to rush in to either the walk-in or the ER on Monday morning. But Caleb must have sense that something was wrong and God answered my prayers. We went to bed on time and Caleb nursed like a newborn, ALL NIGHT! It was amazing because he hasn't done that for a long time. I woke up Monday morning feeling, surprisingly, better than Sunday. I took Monday to sit on my butt on the couch all day and rest. I am happy to say that I'm feeling much better. I have no idea how I made it through Sunday while feeling so sick but God was looking out for me and He made sure that I didn't suffer extra long for it.

So that was a really long update. I have started several blog entries in the last few weeks and maybe, someday, I'll get time to actually finish them! Hopefully now that my house is more organized my head will be too..... or maybe that's wishful thinking.

Being a Wife too

I'm going to start off with being perfectly honost with you. I'm not so great at this one!

I love my husband, he's amazing and I know with 100% certainty that he is the man that God put on this earth for me to spend the rest of my life with. I can honostly say that in over 5 years of marriage and almost 8 years of being together, I have never wished he didn't come into my life. I'm not going to brag about him right now (though I'm sure I could write a whole post about all the ways that he is wonderful) because I want this post to be about how to be a wife.

I watched my wedding video (it was missing until just recently) for the first time since shortly after we returned from our honey moon. It was amazing to watch Adam and I standing up at the front of the church saying our vows. It was even more incredible to hear those vows and know that I would say them again in a heartbeat.

All that being said, I sometimes forget that I am a wife as well as a mother. Anyone who has, or who has had, a toddler knows that they can be quite time consuming. With some of the parenting decisions Adam and I have made for Caleb it can become even moreso. I breastfeed, share sleep, wore him in a moby wrap (he's kind of big now), respond to his cries, and believe babies need their mamas (I rarely go out without him). Adam is in complete agreement with this style of parenting but it means that I have little time for anything else.

Obviously with a very young baby the father will need make sacrifices to make sure that the baby's needs are being met through his wife's time and energy. Newborns are pretty high maintenance and have needs that can (mostly) be filled by the mother alone. There's no getting around that. Toddlers, on the other hand, have the same needs but it is much easier for them to be met by someone other than the mother. This can be a tough transition, not because we (as mothers) want to maintain that dependence (though this sometimes can be the case) but purely out of habit.

For example:
Caleb falls down and hurts himself - I instinctively run over to scoop him up. It can be very difficult to allow Adam to comfort him while I stand in the other room. This has nothing to do with my trust in how Adam handles the situation because he does exactly what I would do (most of the time). I am just so used to being the primary one to fill that need. Logically I know that Caleb is just fine, biologically I am wired to respond to my child.

Being a mother is a 24/7 responsibility. I am pretty sure that I'm not the only mother who forgets about everything around her and just gets absorbed in that mothering role. Let's face it, our kids are adorable, they can make us laugh, they make us feel needed, and there is nothing better to a mother than to see her child(ren) happy and having fun.

So how do we "reclaim" the wife role? How do we remember how to fulfill that role as well? One thing that Adam and I are planning to do is go out a local coffee shop once a week for a couple of hours. We read devotions together every night (Caleb has learned that this is his quiet time). We play games together when Caleb is napping. I don't believe that you absolutly MUST have an official "date night" every week during which you leave your child(ren) with a babysitter. I do think it is wise to spend time focused on your husband. Whether this be getting up half an hour before the children are awake to share a morning chat, or taking young children (the ones that you're not ready to leave yet) with you when you go out to dinner or for a walk or whatever you and your husband enjoy doing together. (Going for a walk is great because you can strap young children into a stroller and the older ones can go play in a park or something.)

It's about staying connected. Phone calls, texting, eating meals together etc. are all ways to stay connected to your spouse. Once you start doing things together (even with the children), it becomes a lot easier to remember that you enjoy spending one on one time with your spouse. Find a hobby you both enjoy, or a project you can work on together. Key things to do with your husband are to pray together everyday and read the Bible (even if it's just a few verses). Once you grow closer to God together, He makes the rest fall into place.

Babies and Housework

I have contemplated writing on this topic for quite some time. I actually dreamt about this post last night and what I should write in it! A big part of me hesitated because it's definitely not something that I have down to a "t." But it occurred to me that's probably the point. You don't have to do it all perfectly.
As of the time of my writing this I have dishes in my sink, laundry in my washer and dryer, toys all over the floor and I think that all the floors in my house needs to be either swept/mopped or vacuumed. I'm ignoring that part of my housework right now. I focus instead on the fact that I folded and put away 3 loads of laundry yesterday, I cleaned all my baking pans yesterday, I have a cake in the oven (for my mom's birthday today) and my family is fed and happy (Adam cooked breakfast).
Probably later today, when Caleb is napping, I will spend some time finishing up my laundry (diapers are in the washer so I kind of need those). If he's still napping I might even get up the gumption to clean my kitchen.

I had the HARDEST time getting into a routine when Caleb was first born. Part of it was that I just physically did not have the engery (I was recovering from a c-section and suffered a lot of fatigue) so I spent most of my days napping. I tried very hard not to allow myself to feel guilty about it. I think that it was about 6 months when I noticed that I didn't need to nap every single time Caleb napped. But I also didn't want to spend that precious alone time cleaning house. I found that when I cleaned during his nap, I would resent when he woke up. So I made a deal with myself: I would take 10 minutes to "power clean" and then I gave myself permission to sit down to take some "me time." As he got older and his naps were a little more consistent (and longer) I began to expand that time to 15 min and then 30 min, but I always kept at least half of his nap time for personal time.

Now that Caleb is down to one nap per day I find myself adjusting my housework again. Certain things I can do when he is awake (such as washing dishes with a ltitle helper or vacuuming because he loves the noise) so I spend some time in the morning doing that. Most kids are happiest in the morning after they've eaten breakfast and had a good sleep. Caleb will usually play on his own or help me with whatever I'm doing. When he goes down to nap is the best time to do laundry for me because that way I don't have to fold everything two or three times. But a lot of times when he is napping I've already accomplished a couple of things in the morning. That means I get to take that quiet time to read or cruise the internet or play computer games etc. When he wakes up in the middle of his nap (he's been doing that a lot lately) I can take the time to lay down wih him for half an hour and be able to focus on him instead of everything that I should or could be doing in that time instead.

Whenever I choose to spend time with Caleb over housework I have an inner dialogue with myself. I ask some questions: What do I feel like I should be doing right now? (washing dishes) What will happen if I don't do it? (I'll have to do them later) What does Caleb need from me right now? (love and hugs) What will happen if I don't do that? (he will cry and be cranky) Which is better to do in the longrun? Caleb nearly always wins out.

Like I said, I'm not the perfect housewife. I cook dinner AFTER my husband is in from work (for a couple reasons - he can watch Caleb and he can remind me to cook and tell me what he's hungry for). I only wash my floor once a week (on a good week). I usually only do laundry when Caleb or I have run out of clean clothes to wear. My bathroom doesn't get cleaned every week (*gasp*). But my family still loves me and I get to spend every day feeling like I've accomplished what's important.

My mom always says that people want to see me they are welcome to come by. If people want to see my house they have to make an appointment in advance. I also have had friends say to never apologize for your house or kids.

My History

I figured that today would be a good day to tell you a little about my journey up to this point in my life. 25 years ago on this day my parents recieved the wonderful gift of their second child, their first daughter. I was born in a little farmhouse in the Netherlands with a doctor, a nurse-midwife, and my mom and dad in attendance (and probably my older brother was there somewhere as well).

About 4 years (and one more daughter) after that my parents emigrated to the "land of opportunity," Canada. I've lived on a dairy farm pretty much ever since that. Not the same one mind you, but we stuck around central Alberta and finally my parents were able to purchase their very own dairy farm back in 1994.

I have had the opportunity to attend public school, Christian school, as well as homeschool for a couple of years. I liked them all! My last year of high school I met the man that became my husband. We actually met at Youth Convention (in Edmonton) and discovered that we had many mutual friends. The second day that I knew him, God whispered in my ear that Adam was the man that I was going to marry. And sure enough, we started dating about two months later and got married two years after that. We were 19 at the time and just this past summer we celebrated 5 years together.

In our 5 years he's gone from mechanics, to dairy, to pigs and back to dairy. I was in the financial services industry for about 5 years and have also worked for a few months at a coffee shop as well as doing bookkeeping/reception for a heating/plumbing company. I have typically enjoyed working and actually planned to continue working my business in financial services/education until I realized that as much as loved my work, I love my son more.

A few months before Caleb was born Adam and I decided that we wanted to pursue dairy farming. He decided that he didn't see much of a future for himself in pigs. Not long after we decided this we got a phone call from my dad saying that my brother (his current hired hand) quit! We talked about it with eachother and with God and there was no doubt that my parents farm was exactly where God wanted us to be. So 3 weeks before my due date we renovated my brother's old house and moved into it. It was a lot of work but we had a lot of help and got most of the renos done by the time we moved. Unpacking.... well that's a long-term goal.

So we've been living in our little farmhouse for just over 18 months and despite the fact that we're still unpacking, it really feels like home. I guess it probably helps that I'm right across the yard from the house that I grew up in for 10 years of my life. Plus since I gave up my career to be a SAHM I've been able to discover who I am without having to rely on work for my identity. Another bonus of living on the dairy is that Adam is able to be inside for brunch, and snacktime, and then supper and the rest of the evening. We have been truly blessed with out time together and he's an amazing man for the way he has stuck by me thoughr thick and thin. Plus he's a great papa to our little man. It's totally true that seeing your husband become a father makes you fall in love him all over again.

I just want to give a shout-out to Christa (my sister) as she was the very first person to make a comment on my blog. Christa also gave me the idea for the blog name. I called her to run a few suggestions by her (they were all taken) to see if she had any ideas. She told me she would think about it and get back to me because she was at a friends house and they were playing Wii Resort, doing the archery game. She said something to her husband in the background about aiming, hence the title of my blog, "Aimed at the Heart." So anyway, have a great day all and I better get some housekeeping done as I have company coming over tonight to celebrate my birthday. I have no problems with turning a quarter of a century because each year of my life has gotten better and better. I'm excited about what this new year will bring!