Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Being a Wife too

I'm going to start off with being perfectly honost with you. I'm not so great at this one!

I love my husband, he's amazing and I know with 100% certainty that he is the man that God put on this earth for me to spend the rest of my life with. I can honostly say that in over 5 years of marriage and almost 8 years of being together, I have never wished he didn't come into my life. I'm not going to brag about him right now (though I'm sure I could write a whole post about all the ways that he is wonderful) because I want this post to be about how to be a wife.

I watched my wedding video (it was missing until just recently) for the first time since shortly after we returned from our honey moon. It was amazing to watch Adam and I standing up at the front of the church saying our vows. It was even more incredible to hear those vows and know that I would say them again in a heartbeat.

All that being said, I sometimes forget that I am a wife as well as a mother. Anyone who has, or who has had, a toddler knows that they can be quite time consuming. With some of the parenting decisions Adam and I have made for Caleb it can become even moreso. I breastfeed, share sleep, wore him in a moby wrap (he's kind of big now), respond to his cries, and believe babies need their mamas (I rarely go out without him). Adam is in complete agreement with this style of parenting but it means that I have little time for anything else.

Obviously with a very young baby the father will need make sacrifices to make sure that the baby's needs are being met through his wife's time and energy. Newborns are pretty high maintenance and have needs that can (mostly) be filled by the mother alone. There's no getting around that. Toddlers, on the other hand, have the same needs but it is much easier for them to be met by someone other than the mother. This can be a tough transition, not because we (as mothers) want to maintain that dependence (though this sometimes can be the case) but purely out of habit.

For example:
Caleb falls down and hurts himself - I instinctively run over to scoop him up. It can be very difficult to allow Adam to comfort him while I stand in the other room. This has nothing to do with my trust in how Adam handles the situation because he does exactly what I would do (most of the time). I am just so used to being the primary one to fill that need. Logically I know that Caleb is just fine, biologically I am wired to respond to my child.

Being a mother is a 24/7 responsibility. I am pretty sure that I'm not the only mother who forgets about everything around her and just gets absorbed in that mothering role. Let's face it, our kids are adorable, they can make us laugh, they make us feel needed, and there is nothing better to a mother than to see her child(ren) happy and having fun.

So how do we "reclaim" the wife role? How do we remember how to fulfill that role as well? One thing that Adam and I are planning to do is go out a local coffee shop once a week for a couple of hours. We read devotions together every night (Caleb has learned that this is his quiet time). We play games together when Caleb is napping. I don't believe that you absolutly MUST have an official "date night" every week during which you leave your child(ren) with a babysitter. I do think it is wise to spend time focused on your husband. Whether this be getting up half an hour before the children are awake to share a morning chat, or taking young children (the ones that you're not ready to leave yet) with you when you go out to dinner or for a walk or whatever you and your husband enjoy doing together. (Going for a walk is great because you can strap young children into a stroller and the older ones can go play in a park or something.)

It's about staying connected. Phone calls, texting, eating meals together etc. are all ways to stay connected to your spouse. Once you start doing things together (even with the children), it becomes a lot easier to remember that you enjoy spending one on one time with your spouse. Find a hobby you both enjoy, or a project you can work on together. Key things to do with your husband are to pray together everyday and read the Bible (even if it's just a few verses). Once you grow closer to God together, He makes the rest fall into place.


  1. I love your view on that!! I may not be a mom (yet) however I can see it in other relationships. If all you do is focus on the children then by the time they're out of the house you won't even know your spouse the same way as before. I think that your a great mom Tess and I'm sure your a great wife too :-)

  2. Thanks Chris :) It's definatly about finding a good balance. Which sounds simple enough but once you have children it's something that only comes with effort and practice.